I’m driving in Salmiya (Uptown Kuwait as I like to call it) during busiest time…830PM. Parking lot is packed, so I take the first left into this parking lot lane. Now while I’m cruising down, this Lexus backs up right into me onto the passenger side door. As I get out and storm to the other car, I see this little creepy E.T looking guy behind the wheel glaring at me like I’m from a different planet (:D) ….apparently E.T was a Bengali valet driver (Fun Fact: the valet drivers here park in public parking lots – so the idiots that valet their cars might as well piss in the wind).
Then the Armenian guy (valet boss) states it was my fault because I came down the wrong way. There are no signs posted, cars double parked and on top of curbs, no CLEARLY visible arrows….and this joker is telling me that I came down the wrong way…..I had to resist the urge to shove E.T up his ass so he can really understand what it means to go the wrong way. Instead I quoted my favorite movie and said “It's behind you, Tyrone. Whenever you reverse things come from behind you.” But the language barrier/accent posed a bit of a problem.
Then the police come (Current Time: 10PM)…don’t speak a word of English….and get the Armenian’s explanation of what happened. All I hear is “Derka Derka Amreeki..Yaani….Derka Derka Amreeki…Yaani….Derka Derka Amreeki” So now the Armenian turns to me and says we have to go to the police station to fill out a report, because these guys are not traffic police. WTF….so I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing?....he shrugs his shoulders.
So I get back in my dented car and now follow the Kuwait lexus owner (whose lexus is now missing a bumper) because I had no idea where this police station is - probably the funniest part of the story in my opinion if you think about it. Behind the counter at the police station, there three guys are sitting in their chairs "pan walla" style (see below if you don't know what I mean) smoking and blowing loops in each other’s faces.
After, seeing us (E.T, Armenian, Kuwaiti Lexus owner, myself) standing at the counter for a good 3 minutes he gets off his rear, takes my license and registration, gives it to another guy (he also looked like E.T :D), who then comes back with the photocopy….and then the “pan walla police officer” tells us we need to go to another police station (Current Time: 12AM). WTF…So I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing…..he shrugs his shoulders.
So I get back in my dented car to follow the Lexus to this other Police Station…the guy at the counter says we have to meet with “The Investigator” who will then complete the police report. I’m praying in the waiting room that this investigator speaks at least a bit of English so I can accurately communicate my ordeal. My prayer was nothing more than an unrealistic expectation. The Armenian had to play the role of translator, because the Kuwaiti Lexus owner was a mute and E.T communicates with his middle finger. So we finally meet this CSI bad ass wannabe in his office…and he asks the Armenian….
CSI Badass wannabe : “Derka Derka Amreeki Derka wrong way?”
Armenian translates: “Did you (Amreeki) enter through an exit and proceed to go the wrong way?”
My smart ass responds: “How do you know it’s an exit?”
The Armenian translates back to the CSI bad ass wannabe
[LONG MOMENT OF SILENCE]
The CSI bad ass wannabe gets up off his chair abruptly and says “I want to go to the scene of the crime” [Arabic]
I’m delighted he even entertained the fact that I had some validity in my story….and we all take our separate vehicles back to parking lot in Salmiya (Current Time: 1AM).
As I was the last to get back to the scene of the crime, I see suicidal looking E.T sitting on the curb, Armenian leaned back against his parked car and the agitated Kuwaiti lexus owner pacing in a circle…..but no CSI bad ass wannabe. So we wait…shoot the breeze….wait some more…and do some more bullshit bonding (Current Time: 3AM). There is STILL no sign of the CSI bad ass wannbe...and we continue to wait until the Kuwaiti starts yelling on his phone and informs the Armenian that the Investigator is not coming. WTF…So I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing…..he shrugs his shoulders.
So now we all drive back to police station…and at this point I am too tired to even get frustrated, let alone express it. Again, I find myself sitting in the waiting room for CSI bad ass wannabe to spare some of his oh so precious time for my oh so insignificant case. When he does decide to see us, he claims to have visited the scene of the crime and determined that I did indeed go down the wrong way. I am still astonished on how he accomplished that miracle while sitting on his ass at the station. Anyway as a humble foreigner, I sign the paperwork which is all in Arabic because I am too disgusted to have anybody translate for me at this stage.
As a consulation, the CSI badass wannabe explained that even if the Lexus owner was at fault, we both would still fix our cars out of pocket, and then the victim hopes to get reimbursed by the faulty driver’s insurance at a later time (now thats a funny process)
So just for fun…let’s say it was his fault…he pays for the damage on his car…and I pay for the damage on my car….and then 5 months later… I pray his insurance pays me back. I look at my watch, and it is now 430AM and then I ask the Armenian WTF...did we ALL just wait 8 hours for nothing…..the bastard smiles and nods.
Moral of story – Lessons Learned:
1. Learn to speak Arabic
2. Don’t call the police unless it’s a bad wreck
3. Forget everything I have learned in the US about signs and driving laws
4. Burn my E.T DVD
2 comments:
lol @ Shrugs his shoulders. I hope you got your car fixed mate.
thats classic man, always interesting times in Kuwait.
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