The dynamic list of Kuwaiti likes and dislikes

1. Salmiya Palace:

The fact that it’s a called a palace is really misleading because it’s not grand, no "see and be seen" crowd and its dirt cheap – Although starting out I hated this place, along with the person that took me there – because I was coerced into going to this so called “palace” for my Birthday where we ended up playing ping pong for three straight hours. However since then, the palace has now evolved into my happy place in Kuwait…because of the 10 things you can do at this one central spot:
· Get your ass whooped by sweaty locals in ping pong
· Shoot pool on vintage pool tables that are obviously older than me
· Play Hearts (aka Black Queen) until 2AM or until you are asked to leave
· Smoke fruity flavored Shisha (without being judged)!
· Watch TV where it’s always on this one channel where a big fat Arab singer is begging to be put out of her misery
· Order a Mixed grill and a plate of Hummus which seriously hits the spot. If that’s too much to handle… they make a killer Chicken Fillet Sandwich that also does the job
· Pay your phone bill – yes…I myself have taken advantage of this Salmiya Palace feature
· Buy designer accessories (watches, wallets, purses) from all your favorite designers FUCCI, FURBERRY, FRADA, FARMANI…and even FENDI.
· Play foosball on a per goal basis…every time one of you scores a goal, you have to put 2 quarters (150 shills) in to get the ball back – what a great source of revenue eh?
· Last but certainly not least…you can meet a buck load of dudes that only speak Arabic

2. The Mishref Walking Track:

Even though it’s Ramadan and its hot/humid as hell, my people watching strolls are a daily part of my routine. It’s not even to lose weight, just seeing all the different shapes, colors and sizes is enough motivation for me. There’s this one guy that wears these short fluorescent yellow (Borat swimsuit) colored shorts, with a black T-shirt EVERY DAY he jogs. I’m so tempted to ask him if he washes his clothes everyday….or where did he discover such a huge collection of these hideous shorts.

Then there’s my eye fuck buddy… a cute blonde Kuwaiti chick...she glares at me every day so I decided to take our relationship to the next level by smiling at her but I don’t think it was well received. I will resort to Plan B...just stop and randomly ask her if she knows who Barrack Obama is?
If she says no, then she’s a natural dumb blonde and we are meant to be together. If she says yes, then she’s not my type because you can “put some lipstick on a pig….but it’s still a pig”.

3. My car

It took me awhile to finally close on this vehicle, because I had the salesman convince me this particular model of the car was sold without a spare tire. My dumb ass not only believed him but actually researched it when I got home.

My car comes with a standard 6 tape changer - 1 in the center dash, and 5 in center console. Notice I said TAPE and not CD. So for those of you that think you need 24”inch spinning rims and fwip scweens to be a big dog…y’all aint got shit on ma 6 tape changer.

It also only has 2 seats…which is more than enough to support my fat ass for those of you that are wondering if I made a practical decision. It also has a trunk which just enough to squeeze in my laptop bag and spare tire.


Dislikes

1. Speed Cameras

Uhh yea…I got my first speeding ticket in Kuwait…I’m almost tempted to speed by the same camera again with my ass hanging out the window. A true Kodak moment!

2. Horny Cats

This bloody cat on heat has been meow-moaning all odd hours of the night and decides to do it right outside my window. I barely get even 2-3 hours of sleep because I have to wake up for Suhoor to eat because sunrise is at 4AM. That cat needs some serious therapy…so thank god for Cat Psychologists (yes they do exist). I really want to sit on a session with a cat psychologist....I mean does the psychologist ask the cat to lie down on the couch and share his feline frustrations. Don’t laugh....it might just go down like that…after all they sent a elephant to rehab for heroin addiction – http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7597835.stm

I’m not convinced he’s fully recovered…give it another year and we’ll hear about the elephant singing: “they tried to make me go to rehab.....but I said no… no….no”

3. Weirdest kid on the block

Apparently EVERYBODY in Kuwait thinks I’m weird...shit I mean there was a handful in the US that thought so but over here I’m a dang celebrity when it comes to being weird.

I played basketball and made the mistake of saying “money in the bank” (an expression us Americans commonly use) when a local teammate sunk a 3-pointer. After that…. every shot I made he said “maaaney on the benk” – let that be a lesson learned never to use slang with the locals. Now every time I come to the court I feel like a social outcast…because they all snicker and say hello Mr. Money on the bank.

My relatives are convinced that I’m on drugs after witnessing my sleep habits first hand. I blamed it on the horny cat…and now they probably think I’m even weirder.

Honestly… it’s not the accent, the slang or the sleep habits….it’s my sense of humor and it hurts me to admit it but nobody here thinks I’m funny. I have gone to extreme lengths of telling people my favorite racist joke and I didn’t even get a sympathy Haha --- How did the Mexican high school girl get pregnant?..................The teacher told her to go do an Essay --

Dammit if you think I’m weird for thinking that’s funny….then shit…maybe you need a lil weird in your life to feel normal.