The dynamic list of Kuwaiti likes and dislikes

Likes


1. Klubbin in Kuwait


I was disappointed nobody knew who I dressed up as for Halloween. You know you have a shitty costume when…. everybody gives you that puzzled look and asks the dreaded Halloween question “And what are you supposed to be”….and I very confidently respond “Uhh Tony Parker…French basketball player….plays for the Spurs…married to Eva Longoria” – they say “ohhhh…cool” [then walk away].


I will admit the way people do up their apartments for a party deserves some merit. They had a DJ that played all my favorite tunes, a bar with a Jewish bartender that puts a teaspoon of liquor in every drink, and all those green laser lights to disguise your lack of rhythm, as an epileptic seizure.


All the spiders, cobwebs and the other glow in the dark bullshit that got me thinking.....I need to get my own place in Kuwait and start hosting my own lil’ shin digs. That way I won’t be castrated of my social life that I once had….but more importantly, I won’t have to resort to smoking Shisha every weekend.


2. Weather is just gorgeous

The jogs at Mishref park are amazing….it’s even funnier to see what people wear now. I saw a joker the other day wearing a turtle neck while walking in 70F weather.

I’ve been playing a lot more basketball now that the weather is much cooler. Although I did get discriminated against last week – The court I was playing on cleared out after the last game, but I still wanted to play….so I asked the adjacent court (The Philipino court) if I could run a quick game with them. They said NO…not a maybe…or uhhh we already have a game going….I got a flat out NO. I didn’t get too bent out of shape because I played with them a long time ago…and whenever I asked this dude that was guarding me what the score was he said “porteen…pibteen”…..my immature ass obviously easily humored by foreign accents asked him at least another 20 times….until he went silent on me

3. I actually love my job

I am doing business development work, which would have taken light years had I still been at my former company. I am not micro managed, and my sole responsibility is to manage relationships. Although, there is a lot of ambiguity and cultural issues that come along with it but it’s still a blessing compared to how I was spending my days in Houston.

I had to get this proposal out before end of day and needed input from a fellow team member in India. He did not respond to my email, so I sent him an SMS text if he had seen the email. His response via SMS read “Didn’t received” --- I laughed hysterically for a good minute because his grammar conscious ass put the apostrophe on didn’t

If that tickles your pickle…let me tell you another SMS I received from my Kuwaiti friend that reminds me of Dopey from snow white. This is exactly how the text read:
Me: “Are you going to come with me when we go pick up the car….?”
Dopey: “Enshallh. That’s mean yap”

Am I the only one that thinks that shit is hilarious?

Dislikes

1. Only the written word carries weight in Kuwait

If isn’t on written or documented, your commitment is merely a nothing more than a meaningless conversation. That applies to work, and making plans outside of work. I get very resentful when someone graciously wastes my time whose strategy for success is “just to get by”….they tell you stuff just to get by…my oh so ethical, yet so naïve ass is getting all walked over. My kindness is often mistaken for weakness, so do I change my approach….or do I continue to drown with resentment?

2. No healthy alternatives


Did you know Kuwait has the largest burger king in the world? And believe me I think they have the biggest KFC and Pizza hut too. It’s huge…..almost comparable to a department store in US…the BK by my house in Houston can fit maybe 20 people….but this BK paradise in Kuwait can accommodate for at least 200 people. Shit…you could get married at this factory for fat fucks….and get a happy meal (toy not included) for all your oh so happy guests.




My fat ass can barely fit into my suits because there are no healthy alternatives….no Boston Market, no potbelly’s, no Schlotzsky’s....just 1or 2 subways which I have yet to figure out the location. That doesn’t bother me as much as the people that I talk to about this topic. Everybody I discuss this with is like “haha…only ladies watch their figure”….that’s probably true cuz they certainly aren’t watching the Rolley Polley bastards their families forced them to marry.


3. Couples only qualifier


Kuwait is the place to be for couples, and of course homosexuals.

• If you want to sit in the middle of the movie theatre… you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want a gym membership at a lower price…you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want to rent that condo on Marina with the nice view….you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want to sit in a restaurant section where there are girls….you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want to party at a club in Bahrain/Dubai to escape from Q8...you can’t because it’s for couples only

Some would argue these rules help moderate the traffic of sexually repressed men….I would argue its rules like these that breed incest, pedophiles, rape cases (that also apply to dopey lookin’ sheep) -

Viva Dubai?

Dubai has been on the top of my 5 cities to visit before 2012 (Buenos Aires, Bangkok, Rio, Tokyo are the other 4 for those of you that want to plan a trip with me)...I was able to get 20% closer to my goal last weekend when I fled to Dubai from Kuwait. I don't want to bash Dubai because of one very short lived weekend....but let's just say it’s not my kinda city. Let me preface my observations by saying I was expecting Vegas...and got an LA instead.

All the good things in Dubai come at a price, which makes you hate the things you love about the city.

Traffic & Construction
The architecture is stunning, and you'll be amazed on how much development has occurred in the last 3 years. Structures like the Burj Al-Arab, Atlantis and Emirates Towers are jaw dropping structures...almost to the point that you're intimidated to actually walk inside.

BUT because of these damn skyscrapers, there’s construction EVERYWHERE. During the day all you hear are cranes, drilling, trucks beeping while reversing and all the clinkety clank noises that make you wanna throw a rock at these Bob the Bengali Builders (I swear I'm not racist). So you escape from the apartment only to find yourself in a cluster fuck of traffic (spending 90 minutes in traffic is a common practice)....even if it’s midnight!

Pretty Places but ugly faces
The clubs are amazing, the lighting, the dance floors, and the music….my favorite being 360….It’s an open area club on the water where you can see the Burj Al-Arab (the sail) on the right side, and the Jumeirah Beach Hotel (wave) on the left. Crowd is diverse….and pretty much everyone is speaking a foreign language.

BUT getting a drink at this place is bloody difficult. The bartenders are not these hunky guys or girls with boobies….their all either flip (from the Philippines) or Indian and can barely reach over the bar….they move at the pace of a sloth, and the only way you get served is if they understand your accent. Yup, I was screwed…standing at the counter was like being on a trading floor….I had all sorts of people reaching over my shoulder, yelling out jibrish that apparently the bartenders understood. So I adopted the same technique….but all of sudden when I did… the record stopped! Everybody on the counter just paused and stared at me like I just arrived from Mars….but hey it got the bartender’s attention. I realized the glares were justified after the bartender told me that Smirnoff is their top of the shelf vodka…and asking for Grey Goose is the equivalent of asking for a Pink Flamingo : D

OH did I forget to mention a Smirnoff single is around $16 bucks –

Just another transition city
I’m all about Diversity…and Dubai really caters to the masses. When standing in line, there was a group of Asian folk behind us and they had the thickest Australian accents. How funny is that shit….imagine Jackie Chan with a Steve Irwin (The crocodile hunter that got hunted) voiceover. It’s the only city in the world where you can go on a Desert Safari, then Shop & Ski at the Mall of Emirates, followed by a nice dinner at Trader Vics on the River walk, only to throw up your meal after going to a Mujra (google it) , and then finish the night at a Salsa Spot.

BUT Dubai is what I like to call a “transition city”….everybody that actually lives there is going through some temporary phase in their life which brought them to Dubai. Also, you will rarely meet a person that’s been in Dubai for 10+ years. Majority of the population is living hand to mouth because housing & cost of living is just stupidly expensive ($3000 a month for a studio in Marina). Dubai’s flashy and over the top mission statement (Jack of all trades, master of none) has permeated throughout the society…where everyone is caught in this weird identity crisis and pretty plastic so good luck trying to make friends when you go out.

My first car accident....in Kuwait!

[This story is based on true events…. Any resemblance to actual persons -- living or dead -- is NOT purely coincidental.]


I’m driving in Salmiya (Uptown Kuwait as I like to call it) during busiest time…830PM. Parking lot is packed, so I take the first left into this parking lot lane. Now while I’m cruising down, this Lexus backs up right into me onto the passenger side door. As I get out and storm to the other car, I see this little creepy E.T looking guy behind the wheel glaring at me like I’m from a different planet (:D) ….apparently E.T was a Bengali valet driver (Fun Fact: the valet drivers here park in public parking lots – so the idiots that valet their cars might as well piss in the wind).

Then the Armenian guy (valet boss) states it was my fault because I came down the wrong way. There are no signs posted, cars double parked and on top of curbs, no CLEARLY visible arrows….and this joker is telling me that I came down the wrong way…..I had to resist the urge to shove E.T up his ass so he can really understand what it means to go the wrong way. Instead I quoted my favorite movie and said “It's behind you, Tyrone. Whenever you reverse things come from behind you.” But the language barrier/accent posed a bit of a problem.

Then the police come (Current Time: 10PM)…don’t speak a word of English….and get the Armenian’s explanation of what happened. All I hear is “Derka Derka Amreeki..Yaani….Derka Derka Amreeki…Yaani….Derka Derka Amreeki” So now the Armenian turns to me and says we have to go to the police station to fill out a report, because these guys are not traffic police. WTF….so I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing?....he shrugs his shoulders.


So I get back in my dented car and now follow the Kuwait lexus owner (whose lexus is now missing a bumper) because I had no idea where this police station is - probably the funniest part of the story in my opinion if you think about it. Behind the counter at the police station, there three guys are sitting in their chairs "pan walla" style (see below if you don't know what I mean) smoking and blowing loops in each other’s faces.


After, seeing us (E.T, Armenian, Kuwaiti Lexus owner, myself) standing at the counter for a good 3 minutes he gets off his rear, takes my license and registration, gives it to another guy (he also looked like E.T :D), who then comes back with the photocopy….and then the “pan walla police officer” tells us we need to go to another police station (Current Time: 12AM). WTF…So I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing…..he shrugs his shoulders.

So I get back in my dented car to follow the Lexus to this other Police Station…the guy at the counter says we have to meet with “The Investigator” who will then complete the police report. I’m praying in the waiting room that this investigator speaks at least a bit of English so I can accurately communicate my ordeal. My prayer was nothing more than an unrealistic expectation. The Armenian had to play the role of translator, because the Kuwaiti Lexus owner was a mute and E.T communicates with his middle finger. So we finally meet this CSI bad ass wannabe in his office…and he asks the Armenian….

CSI Badass wannabe : “Derka Derka Amreeki Derka wrong way?”
Armenian translates: “Did you (Amreeki) enter through an exit and proceed to go the wrong way?”
My smart ass responds: “How do you know it’s an exit?”
The Armenian translates back to the CSI bad ass wannabe

[LONG MOMENT OF SILENCE]
The CSI bad ass wannabe gets up off his chair abruptly and says “I want to go to the scene of the crime” [Arabic]

I’m delighted he even entertained the fact that I had some validity in my story….and we all take our separate vehicles back to parking lot in Salmiya (Current Time: 1AM).

As I was the last to get back to the scene of the crime, I see suicidal looking E.T sitting on the curb, Armenian leaned back against his parked car and the agitated Kuwaiti lexus owner pacing in a circle…..but no CSI bad ass wannabe. So we wait…shoot the breeze….wait some more…and do some more bullshit bonding (Current Time: 3AM). There is STILL no sign of the CSI bad ass wannbe...and we continue to wait until the Kuwaiti starts yelling on his phone and informs the Armenian that the Investigator is not coming. WTF…So I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing…..he shrugs his shoulders.

So now we all drive back to police station…and at this point I am too tired to even get frustrated, let alone express it. Again, I find myself sitting in the waiting room for CSI bad ass wannabe to spare some of his oh so precious time for my oh so insignificant case. When he does decide to see us, he claims to have visited the scene of the crime and determined that I did indeed go down the wrong way. I am still astonished on how he accomplished that miracle while sitting on his ass at the station. Anyway as a humble foreigner, I sign the paperwork which is all in Arabic because I am too disgusted to have anybody translate for me at this stage.

As a consulation, the CSI badass wannabe explained that even if the Lexus owner was at fault, we both would still fix our cars out of pocket, and then the victim hopes to get reimbursed by the faulty driver’s insurance at a later time (now thats a funny process)

So just for fun…let’s say it was his fault…he pays for the damage on his car…and I pay for the damage on my car….and then 5 months later… I pray his insurance pays me back. I look at my watch, and it is now 430AM and then I ask the Armenian WTF...did we ALL just wait 8 hours for nothing…..the bastard smiles and nods.


Moral of story – Lessons Learned:
1. Learn to speak Arabic
2. Don’t call the police unless it’s a bad wreck
3. Forget everything I have learned in the US about signs and driving laws
4. Burn my E.T DVD

Why do you flee to America?

It blows (great choice of words eh?) me away the amount of damage Ike caused….but don’t even talk to me about Islamabad – the whole situation sickens me, and the fact that Zardari fled to America for help just shows the lack of control he has on the situation. It saddens me to think that the possibility of me living in Pakistan in the future is getting dimmer by the day.

I honestly wouldn't be so negative, but the article I read this morning got me all worked up. So ask yourself why did he go to America?

So he can shrug his shoulders when Bush asks him why American drones and choppers are getting shot at on the Pakistani border?

Or is it a plea to crack down on Islamic extremism?

Or is a renewed effort to catch Bin Laden doing push-ups in a cave?

OR....guys the list goes on....but let's read what the media captured:

"Pakistan's President tells Palin she's 'gorgeous'"!!!

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/24/palin.pakistan/index.html



I have never seen a widower that happy....could somebody remind this hormonal fool that his wife was assasinated 9 months ago...and he should at least pretent to look a bit more mournful.

God bless the photographer for not taking a full body shot. Or the headline would have read "Pakistan's President pitches a tent when meeting Hockey Mom"

The dynamic list of Kuwaiti likes and dislikes

1. Salmiya Palace:

The fact that it’s a called a palace is really misleading because it’s not grand, no "see and be seen" crowd and its dirt cheap – Although starting out I hated this place, along with the person that took me there – because I was coerced into going to this so called “palace” for my Birthday where we ended up playing ping pong for three straight hours. However since then, the palace has now evolved into my happy place in Kuwait…because of the 10 things you can do at this one central spot:
· Get your ass whooped by sweaty locals in ping pong
· Shoot pool on vintage pool tables that are obviously older than me
· Play Hearts (aka Black Queen) until 2AM or until you are asked to leave
· Smoke fruity flavored Shisha (without being judged)!
· Watch TV where it’s always on this one channel where a big fat Arab singer is begging to be put out of her misery
· Order a Mixed grill and a plate of Hummus which seriously hits the spot. If that’s too much to handle… they make a killer Chicken Fillet Sandwich that also does the job
· Pay your phone bill – yes…I myself have taken advantage of this Salmiya Palace feature
· Buy designer accessories (watches, wallets, purses) from all your favorite designers FUCCI, FURBERRY, FRADA, FARMANI…and even FENDI.
· Play foosball on a per goal basis…every time one of you scores a goal, you have to put 2 quarters (150 shills) in to get the ball back – what a great source of revenue eh?
· Last but certainly not least…you can meet a buck load of dudes that only speak Arabic

2. The Mishref Walking Track:

Even though it’s Ramadan and its hot/humid as hell, my people watching strolls are a daily part of my routine. It’s not even to lose weight, just seeing all the different shapes, colors and sizes is enough motivation for me. There’s this one guy that wears these short fluorescent yellow (Borat swimsuit) colored shorts, with a black T-shirt EVERY DAY he jogs. I’m so tempted to ask him if he washes his clothes everyday….or where did he discover such a huge collection of these hideous shorts.

Then there’s my eye fuck buddy… a cute blonde Kuwaiti chick...she glares at me every day so I decided to take our relationship to the next level by smiling at her but I don’t think it was well received. I will resort to Plan B...just stop and randomly ask her if she knows who Barrack Obama is?
If she says no, then she’s a natural dumb blonde and we are meant to be together. If she says yes, then she’s not my type because you can “put some lipstick on a pig….but it’s still a pig”.

3. My car

It took me awhile to finally close on this vehicle, because I had the salesman convince me this particular model of the car was sold without a spare tire. My dumb ass not only believed him but actually researched it when I got home.

My car comes with a standard 6 tape changer - 1 in the center dash, and 5 in center console. Notice I said TAPE and not CD. So for those of you that think you need 24”inch spinning rims and fwip scweens to be a big dog…y’all aint got shit on ma 6 tape changer.

It also only has 2 seats…which is more than enough to support my fat ass for those of you that are wondering if I made a practical decision. It also has a trunk which just enough to squeeze in my laptop bag and spare tire.


Dislikes

1. Speed Cameras

Uhh yea…I got my first speeding ticket in Kuwait…I’m almost tempted to speed by the same camera again with my ass hanging out the window. A true Kodak moment!

2. Horny Cats

This bloody cat on heat has been meow-moaning all odd hours of the night and decides to do it right outside my window. I barely get even 2-3 hours of sleep because I have to wake up for Suhoor to eat because sunrise is at 4AM. That cat needs some serious therapy…so thank god for Cat Psychologists (yes they do exist). I really want to sit on a session with a cat psychologist....I mean does the psychologist ask the cat to lie down on the couch and share his feline frustrations. Don’t laugh....it might just go down like that…after all they sent a elephant to rehab for heroin addiction – http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7597835.stm

I’m not convinced he’s fully recovered…give it another year and we’ll hear about the elephant singing: “they tried to make me go to rehab.....but I said no… no….no”

3. Weirdest kid on the block

Apparently EVERYBODY in Kuwait thinks I’m weird...shit I mean there was a handful in the US that thought so but over here I’m a dang celebrity when it comes to being weird.

I played basketball and made the mistake of saying “money in the bank” (an expression us Americans commonly use) when a local teammate sunk a 3-pointer. After that…. every shot I made he said “maaaney on the benk” – let that be a lesson learned never to use slang with the locals. Now every time I come to the court I feel like a social outcast…because they all snicker and say hello Mr. Money on the bank.

My relatives are convinced that I’m on drugs after witnessing my sleep habits first hand. I blamed it on the horny cat…and now they probably think I’m even weirder.

Honestly… it’s not the accent, the slang or the sleep habits….it’s my sense of humor and it hurts me to admit it but nobody here thinks I’m funny. I have gone to extreme lengths of telling people my favorite racist joke and I didn’t even get a sympathy Haha --- How did the Mexican high school girl get pregnant?..................The teacher told her to go do an Essay --

Dammit if you think I’m weird for thinking that’s funny….then shit…maybe you need a lil weird in your life to feel normal.

Shisha/Hookah/Nargileh/Bong used by camel folk

Behold my formula:

Smoking Hookah in Kuwait = Happy Hour in the US – Women

I am not ashamed to admit that smoking out of a water pipe is a social activity I partake in on a daily basis. My virgin lungs may be polluted but I’m in Kuwait for crying out loud….everybody smokes here. I’d rather take the responsibility of screwing up my lungs, than becoming a stupid second hand smoke statistic. After seeing Usain Bolt kill the 100M record, I thought it be fun to see how fast I can run with my polluted lungs...I clocked my 100M sprint @ 13 seconds flat....not bad eh? Not much to celebrate about either, because apparently smoking hookah is worse than cigarettes and one of the leading causes for infertility….but then again this research was done by European scientists. I’ve stop fretting over research studies because it’s all relative or maybe that’s just an excuse some of us use when in need.

The client invited me to go smoke shisha with him during work hours to talk about project related issues. I was really excited at first, but then this guy orders a hookah without any foil…and the coal is directly placed on this extra strong tobacco (“aka Saloom”).
For you non-shishites (:D) that don’t know what I’m talking about: there is foil with tiny little holes placed over the tobacco bowl. The foil acts as a filter, and allows the flavor to last longer. I can’t even smoke it if the holes are too big, because all the ashes end up in the container, in which case you’re better off chewing on a smoldering piece of coal rather than sucking through a pipe.

So back to my story…this coal craving macho prick gets the “Saloom” flavored hookah …and then asks me what I want. At the time, I was craving grape or an apple-mint combo, but I had to reevaluate my decision because now my manly ego is at stake. It’s like when someone gets a scotch on the rocks at happy hour, and you get a cosmopolitan with a cherry on top….while trying to convince the bartender it’s for your girlfriend.

Thankfully, I did not succumb to the societal pressures and ordered myself a nice fruity flavored grape hookah. Also, I blew some smoke loops in his face to redeem my inexperience [ok, now I’m exaggerating]. I find it very entertaining watching grown ass men blow fruit loops at hookah lounges...and if you think I’m easily amused, I implore you to stare at the next blowfish that gets off on forming smoke circles.

Doesn't he look 'oh so special' - Who the f%*# pictures themself blowing loops?

This blog has nothing to do with Kuwait

Am I the only one thats glad the Olympics are over....?

I spent the last 4 hours the other day just watching watching herds of dudes speed walking. The only reason it kept my attention for so long is because it was the funniest event. Probably, because the concept: racing someone by walking fast is absurd. Apparently, there is a lot techinique involved with the way you move your hips and shift your weight while walking. Trust me it takes a real secure man or a 22 yr. old Russian kid to win gold in that event. That's one gold medal you can rest assure a Pakistani will never win (not like they're winning in the other events :D). If I told my father at age 5 that I was training to be an olympic speed walker, he 'd tell me to speed walk my goofy ass to hell...and for those of you that know my father would probably agree he would help me get there.

What was my favorite Beijing Olympic memory? Was it Phelp's NASA designed trunks....Bolt's celebration dances...or watching every "graceful" pole vaulter fall on his ass...I can easily say the Chinese telletubbies (aka "Fuwa" - Olympic mascots) were my favorite.



I'm not too sure what's going on in this picture above. What I do know is....the schmuck that designed these Chinese Teletubbies also gave them names : BeiBei (the blue one bending over) and Nini (the green one with the devlish grin) -

After seeing the mascots, I can conclude the Chinese need to grow up....and I can prove it based on my "oh so logical" points below:

• C'mon nah....You know damn well that most kids would be scared to see these freaky blowup dolls. I challenge each of you to put a picture of modern day Michael Jackson or the picture above in front of your son/daughter/nephew/niece to test which one creeps them out more (Not really sure if that exercise proves my point). The point is = the target demographic for the freaky blow up dolls are ADULTS
• May I also point out the guy peeking in BeiBei's anus in the picture above is also a grown ass man (not sure if he's Chinese though :D).
• Aside from these teletubbies, I have met several grown ass Chinese men that watch Anime (Japanese cartoons....but for the sake of argument let's pretend they're Chinese).
• When I last went to Taiwan...."Hello Kitty" was a national symbol - please google it if you don't know what I'm talking about. Hello Kitty is to Taiwan what Jesus is to Rome....
• Chinese age way too gracefully...just try guessing his/her age and you'll fall short majority of the time.

2008 certainly is the year of the Rat

So why have the last 24 hours been all about RATS?

Yesterday Morning: As I walk into work at 730AM and my office hallway reeks of mehndi (henna). I gag every time I get a whiff of mehndi because it is some foul smelling stuff that should be banned in civilized nations (:D)

And NO there wasn't a wedding or mehndi tattooing party at work - apparently a rat died in the air conditioning vent, so the maintenance folk sprayed some chemicals (yes it really smelt like henna), probably to sanitize the vent or kill the poor bastards offspring.

So then after I get off work, I pick up a buddy a mine from his place in Jabriya, and there's a ghetto ambulance outside his apartment. I was not about to get off my car and start investigating who what when where and why....so we just drove off. When we returned home later that evening we learned that the Kuwaiti land owners chauffeur, a Bengali (people from Bangladesh for you ignant folk) fellow committed suicide by swallowing rat poison.....crazy eh?

Now I'm not no Sherlock, but I'm sure it has to do with some of the labor protesting that has been going on recently in Kuwait. Apparently Bengali's are the perceived thugs/gangsters/mafia in Kuwait (which I think is hilarious , and you'd probably agree if you ever met a Bengali). These Bengali's are on minimum wage, and have not been paid their salaries for the past 4-6 months....so I'm not surprised that most of the criminal activity is associated with these Bengali bandits (no affiliation with the Tamil Tigers :D)

So without digressing too much, let me return to the more delightful topic on rats. I read an article this morning titled "India's poor urged to 'eat rats'". How could I not click on the link (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7557107.stm) given the last 24 hours. I was humored by India's secretary of state's Welfare Department is a fuggin moron. His way of dealing with India's ridiculous inflation and food shortages is to eat a bloody rat. I hate to put Mr. Vijay Prakash on blast, but when a government official says: "People now prefer to eat rat meat instead of chicken or goat as it comes cheaper and is more tasty" he/she should be denied any rights to speak publicly......Period. What the article also mentions is his reference is based on the extremely poor town of Bihar (population 2.3 million) where less than 1% of the population is literate...and I'm guessing is probably this dudes hometown :D.

I was rather disappointed to learn I was born in the year of the Rat...although after reading the personality traits I am a much bigger fan of Chinese astrology than the typical Zodiac crock of shit. Now according to Wiki...Rats are intelligent and cunning at the same time, rats are highly ambitious and strong-willed people who are keen and unapologetic promoters of their own agendas, which often include money and power : D Although, I did feel a tad cooler being a Lion over an ugly ass rat. I've been on several first dates where our horoscopes were a topic of discussion. It irritates the life out of me when a girl is trying to measure our compatibility based on our damn horoscope..."Uhh I'm a virgin (Virgo), you're a pussy (Leo)....it would never work out" - Although looking back while I type...I may have misunderstood what she meant....

Regardless...my next strategy is to meet women that follow the Chinese horoscope signs...apparently I get along real well with Monkeys, Dragons and Oxen so shoot me an email with you're Chinese sign so I can validate (I'm being serious) . If it's true I plan to revamp my campaign to meet women with a new slogan "SINGLE RAT IN KUWAIT LOOKING FOR MUSLIM MONKEY"....I'll keep you guys posted on how that goes :)

These images are from a favorite forward I received. The captions in the email read: "Even when you are having a really bad day......Someone will try to screw you" --- Hah!

Celebrity Gossip

It's amazing how much I'm influenced by American culture....even after being 6000 miles away, I still am bombarded with celebrity gossip...and after worshipping celebrities for the past 10 years...its kinda hard to just cut that umbilical cord.

1. I totally think Morgan Freeman's marriage ended because he was boning that chick that he got in a car accident with...comon naw what kinda wife splits with a 70 yr freckle faced bad ass actor that just starred in a HUGE blockbuster movie....I'm just sayin', the guy made Shawshank y'all...!


2. Bernie mac died of pneumonia...and yes I'm still shocked on how that happened?


3. Michael Phelps winning 5 gold medals, trying to break Spitz's record of 8...how does America produce such Athletes? India's population is over 1 billion and Abhinav Bindra is the only mahfacka outta that bunch to win India's FIRST INDIVIDUAL gold medal.....aint that some bullshit, I blame it on the cows (please see previous blog for supporting documentation). ....I guess India's bragging rights can always be 4 out of the 10 richest men on the planet are Indian.


4. I think Maggie Gyllenhaal is cuter than Katie holmes.....Yes I said it!
5. I cannot wait for Artest to tear it up in the Rockets...It should be interesting to see how he mixes with the team, because it got off to rocky start when Yao was mouthing off about how he is excited to play with Ron just as long as he doesn’t attack the fans. I just do not want this to become another Van Gundy-Bonzi situation…even though I know Artest loves Adelman, I think his relationship with Yao and the other guys on the team will play an important role on his performance.
   
6. Amanda Beard should really just stick to being a swimmer...first playboy...then this nude PETA ad...what's next?...with big teeth like hers she should pose for the "Save the Gophers" foundation

This picture literally made me laugh out loud so had to add it.

Thank God its Thursday (TGIT)

So I had my first steak in Kuwait at TGIF yesterday.....so for those of you that are interested what steak would taste like in Kuwait, let me first give you a visual

Texas Cow

Kuwaiti Cow

Hehe...I'm just being silly....I just googled manourished indian cow and I found this poor thing above. In all honesty, the steak was actually decent...it was topped with this Jack Daniels sauce....which is pretty misleading because there aint no damn liqour in the sauce. The recipe for the sauce is BBQ sauce + Jack Daniels....so I propose the local TGIF should stop trying to be fancy and just adapt to the local market by saying yeah our steaks just come topped with BBQ sauce..and there aint nothing special about it. Their alternative sauce to the JD sauce is the cajun spices sauce...which tasted like and basically consists of butter and garlic....and nothing cajun bout that either.

Also, our weekends in Kuwait are Friday and Saturday so technically "Thank god it's Friday" should be renamed to "Thank god it's Thursday" but I guess TGIT kinda has a negative connotation....I got called a "git" once by this trainer from the UK for mucking about during a session, so I'm pretty sure its not a term of endearment...

Speaking of English slang...I'm temporarily driving the company car which is a Mitsubishi Pajero...which is what us Americans call the Mitsubushi Montero. Now why the hell they call it a pajero here...and montero in the US...is kinda interesting - "Pajero" is spanish slang for my favorite cuss word "wanker"....Muy interesante no?

So I'm sure latinos in the US don't wanna be driving no wanker mobile so they changed it Montero ("mountain warrior") which ofcoarse fits in better with the latin machismo culture....and pretty analgous to my current situation if you catch my drift.

The dynamic list of Kuwaiti likes and dislikes

I'm glad this is dated, because trust me this list is subject to change -



I like

1. The housekeeping services: I have a maid that makes my bed, irons my clothes, does my laundry. She also cooks every evening, and her food doesn't exactly hit the spot, but its certainly edible.


2. The price of gas (along with the fueling process): I left Houston around mid July when gas was $147 a barrel, and it cost me about $85 (approx $3.60 per gallon) to fill up my tank. Although the price of oil has plummeted since then ($113 a barrel...crazy eh?), I filled up my tank in Kuwait for 3.150 KD, which is around 12 bucks! According to my math, I paid $0.93 per gallon for gas yesterday, and you can round it up to a buck because I tipped the guy that pumped it for me. I did not even have to get off the car, and press those stupid buttons on the gas pump (almost as frustrating as texting on an i-phone)...aahhh welcome to refueling paradise!


3. No more speeding tickets: I have spent almost $1000 dollars just in 2008 because of traffic fines...partially because I speed at the most inopportune times, and I don't deal well with cops on a power trip. Now in Kuwait, everybody rants about how bad the drivers are...and honestly as long as you drive (posted speed 120KM)140KM/80mph+ in the fast lane, you'll rarely have people cut in you're lane. There are speed camera's posted everywhere, but as long as you know where they are... you know when and when not to speed.....so no more goofy ass cops hiding out on the other side of the bridge with their radar guns looking like they're posing for some hollywood cop flick.
Man it cracks me up when I see these fools doing this!



4. Being in a Muslim country: One of the best things about moving back to the east is I'm back in a Muslim environment. At noon, there is a prayer call on the speakers in the office, and almost everybody in our building proceeds to the prayer halls to pray. Also, during Ramadan my work hours change to 830AM -230PM....as opposed to the 8AM-8PM I had to look forward to had I still been in Houston. Also a personal favorite, they have hand held bidets (muslim showers) in every bathroom in kuwait.....Enough said!
5. Used Car prices (Audi's especially): Apparently the Kuwaitis have no appreciation for used anything... I have seen some used A8's new advertised as low as $10K, which appear to be in pretty nice condition. Now I was explained two causes for the increased loss in value for the cars here. 1- The upholstery and engine itself is not well suited with the Kuwait climate and 2- people treat their cars like shit here, I asked a guy if he ever changed the oil on his car, and he asked me "whats an oil change"? - Since new car prices are higher than the US because of taxes, shipping, ect...I will probably be buying a used...and if that piece of shit gives me any trouble this bullet point will be on a different list.

I Dislike

1. Work Ethic: This will take some time to get used to since every one is sooo lazy. I mean they have coffee boys at my office that I have to call just to get me a bottle of water for crying out loud (In the US we call them interns). It's almost contradictary for me to have this as a bullet point when I like the shortened work hours, but my fear is getting overly comfortable and falling in the mode of complacency because I believe laziness is contagious and I'm trying not to get infected.
2. Kuwaitization: I have heard mixed stories about the distinct rights that exist for Kuwaitis...and non-Kuwaitis. There are a lot of subtle variations that really get under my skin. For example, a kuwaiti that has a child recieves an allowance from the government, where as a non kuwaiti has to pay for every time he/she has a child. Only a Kuwaiti can own (purchase) property....period - If I haven't caught your attention yet, this should really knock your socks off. My client has a division called Kuwaitization, and they are primarily responsible for balancing the kuwaiti workforce. Currently, theyre getting a lot of flack for being below 79% when the goal is 84% of all employees should be kuwaiti. Thankfully, us contractor's do not fall in that remaining 16% or I would have been looking for a new job already ;) I guess the civil rights clause...a workforce cannot be discriminated based on Age, Race, Religion, Gender ect... is something us yankees shouldn't take for granted. Although, I don't know how true that really is because I wonder if I could get job at Hooters....or why do most bars in the U.S always have short hispanic dudes picking up the drinks....hmmmm?
3. Night-life: I really miss those short hispanic dudes darting by oh so smoothly...you never even knew they were there. It brings me to my next point on how there is very little to do when the sun goes down. Granted I might be a bit myopic to all Kuwait has too offer...but this sure aint a place for a bachelor. Akahol is obviously illegal, so you can either milk you're network to get a bottle or make it yourself. As of now I have had some homemade vodka where after 1 drink I was better off downing my mom's bottle of nail polish remover...plus it gave me the shits the next day, what kinda hangover story is that? My decision to quit alcohol and continue down the sober path has become much easier now.
4. Women...what women?: Every place I go has herds of dudes...makes me feel like I'm in one of those movies where women are mythological creatures that make a guest appearance erry now and then. Kuwait has like 6 malls (just like the galleria) and the "cool" thing to do on the weekend night is to get decked out, call your entourage of hairy chested dudes...and walk around the malls checking out girls with head scarves...obviously no conversation...just eye fucking for 3 hours straight and calling it a night when you have had enough. What's funny is, it's a bloody mall and aint no nobody got shopping bags and there aint a damn soul in the stores except for the people that work there.
5. Price comparisons: Yes gas is cheaper...but don't get it twisted by thinking cost of living in kuwait is cheaper. There are a plethora of places to eat BUT don’t ruin the taste by converting into dollars because you’ll only find yourself feeling like fool after realizing you spent 30 bucks (7 Kuwaiti Dinar) on a breakfast. I went to a local health club (they're pretty big here) and the membership fee is 600KD ($2400) a year for single males...which is about $200 bucks a month (I miss LA fitness) for a prissy health club that has its own private beach. Yes I know a private beach sounds cool....but it's not really the case...I know you're thinking Pamela Anderson lifeguards, cocktails with the little straw hats, 6-pack Abs, people rollerblading or playing volleyball.....uhhhh not exactly - picture this...there were like two dudes sharing the same cigarette on my left side, and on the right side I have a pasty looking european chick reading a book....Sheeeit....the kappa party in Galveston is more popping than this friggin "private beach" - actually I take that back, I remember gagging the last time I saw pictures of Kappa week in Galveston : P

Who is Pak-Canadian Texan?

I was born in Toronto, Canada...spare me the Canadian jokes since I have no Canadian pride nor do I recall my days in a diaper. Moved to Karachi, Pakistan at age 2 and lived there during what I like to call the critical years for an adolescent male (age 10-16). A large chunk of my childhood was spent playing cricket with the local servants & chauffeurs, getting kicked out of class for being class clown and loitering outside restaurants to catch a glimpse from a group of girls walking in.

Just when I think life could'nt get any better, we decide to move to Roselle, Illinois (some po' dunk town 30 miles north of downtown Chicago). Life in Roselle was really a transitioning phase for me...remember those immigrants (us brown folk call em FOBS) that wear daisy dukes to play basketball, don't wear deodrant, pronounce things funny....umm yeah that was me! Thankfully, I learned quickly and got all the "Fobbish" activity around people I'm pretty sure I'll never see again. So the next time you're amused or humored by a fellow FOB, help them first assimilate before clowning at their expense. Trust me, YOU can make a difference!

Just when I think life could'nt get any better in Roselle, we move to humid ass Houston. To be honest, I'd take Houston weather any day over freezing my butt off in the windy city because let me generalize by saying us brown folk aren't built for the cold. Now Houston is an interesting place because it takes 30 minutes to get anywhere in the most complicated interstate highway system; Diversity is not just a sexy word, and it does exist in Houston...unlike Roselle. Culture is laid-back, not as pretentious as the other big cities in the US and people are generally friendly given my experiences.

Just when I think life could'nt get any better in Houston, Texas, I moved to Austin to attend university. I must say my time in Austin, (as most austinites would claim) were the best years of my life. Sounds cliche because they were my fratastic college years, but Austin really is a great town.

Just when I think life could'nt get any better in Austin Texas. I moved back to Houston, TX for work. Being financially independent was probably the best thing about moving back to Houston where majority of my time was spent at work, bouncing back from a string of awkward relationships, spending excessively at bars and some great quality family time. (If you're wondering how any of those activities are related to one another....trust me theres no link : D)

Just when I think life couldn't get any better in Houston for the second time...I moved to Kuwait because of a great career opportunity and the need for something different (notice a trend here). After moving and living five different cities, I want to do something a little different this 6th time around. I have built and severed many relationships along the way, and hopefully this blog will proove to be a handy tool to keep in touch, so I'm not having to copy and paste the same email when people ask "How is Kuwait"? - just keeping it real, I know I'm not the only one that does that.

Hakuna Matata

Two weekends ago, we took a boat trip to the island (yes there are beaches in Kuwait). The guy who owned the boat spoke no English...and also had a striking resemblance to Pumba from Lion King...and I don't mean in a cute cartoon way. The water was actually luke warm which should give you an idea of how bloody hot 116F in Kuwait is. Once we got to the island, I can honestly say I have never been so depressed after seeing sooo many hairy males wearing short shorts bonding in harmony. The bonding is cool but it's depressing because there was not 1 woman...and I'm sure if one of the guys made the mistake of bringing his wife/sister/mother she'd feel like a black guy at a KKK meeting.

However, on a positive note, I have never met guys (the hairy chested pumba type described above) that were soooo hospitable, friendly and caring. AND I know what you're thinking...ITS NOT because I'm American or because I have feminine features. I have seen the way they behave around each other, and I guess it's a real solid brotherly bond and they will treat you the same way if you are open to them. That last sentence can be interpreted figuratively or literally, so don't let your imagination get carried away.

Met a guy from Budapest, another from Hamburg Germany...I think I scare everyone because I talk too damn fast. Got in touch with a buddy of mine who is interning in Riyadh, and might get him to fly down to Kuwait so I can communicate at a pace which I feel comfortable....so much for acclimating. The reason I know this is, is because every time I ask somebody a simple question they say "yes yes very good"...and I have to repeat stuff like "uhhh...could you pass my sunglasses" and then get the same response "yes yes very good".: D

I'm learning a lot, just from working with these Indian guys...it's part of the whole global experience. One of my colleagues spelt the word quotation..."COTASHIN" in an email. I can't even get mad at the bastard for spellcheck on outlook because "cotashin" is actually a bloody word. I work with the client whose response to everything I ask him to do is "Inshallah" which does not mean "Hopefully, God willing" as I learned all these years. Over here it means "I'm not doing it, so don't be a heathen and question my work ethic".

In three weeks...I am convinced that the expression - the grass is greener on the other side was stated by some color blind fuck...what I have concluded is that it's just a different shade of green....might smell different...might feel different...might even taste different if you're feeling a bit rebellious.