A trip to the Friday Market

My Uncle insisted I check out this place just for the experience….and let me say if you have been to Kuwait and never been to the Friday market….you’re seriously missing out.

Anyway I went to the “Friday Market” on a Saturday so not sure why they call the bloody thing a Friday market….What it should be called is the damn Kuwaiti Dollar Store. You have all these Bengalis selling stuff they probably found in a dumpster…fax machines from 1995….over the top fabric…bootlegged tide detergent. There was a dude selling a plasma without a power cord (WTF)…just the screen wrapped in bubble wrap. All sorts of random crap!

I was looking at the beds…and I saw this crib with a huge picture of what appeared to be a Tom and Jerry picture. But it was such a bad knock off that Tom looked like a dog….Jerry looked like a rat….and on top the ugly ass font read “TOM AND GERRY”….. : D – What makes it even funnier is… I could tell where it was made without looking at the tag….EGYPT.

For those that don’t know…. the Egyptians have a weird dialect and they pronounce all their J’s like a G. For example Jeddah in Saudi Arabia….is pronounced Geddah. Also most Arabs don’t pronounce the P….it’s usually replaced with a B….For example: Pepsi is referred to as Bebsi….and you may also hear “No Barking in the barking lot”

I also saw bootlegged colognes…one of my personal favorites… Joop! However this one was spelt JOOB! A buddy of mine told me that JOOB is the Arab version of the cologne that is manufactured in Dubai. They intentionally changed the name because it does not have any alcohol in it…therefore; JOOB is the cologne of choice for the Islamic man. Not sure how true that story is, but it sure is funny. Some other funny names were Hugo…was HOUO, Farenheight was Ferenhight and Jadore was Godore (yea…don’t ask)

They also have an “Animal Market” located right next to the Friday Market and this place was one depressing pet store or mini zoo. I was surprised to see how many people were selling chickens…my peoples are into cockfighting, so I wasn’t exactly sure why all these Kuwaitis were walking around holding these chickens by their neck. My sister (animal rights activist depending on what day of the week it is) would have had a fit had she been there.

There was a Kuwaiti selling these 2 monkeys in a tiny bird cage. One of the monkeys was considerably smaller and weaker but he was the most adorable little bugger. He had his little face resting on his arms, while his tiny black hands were gripping the bars of bird cage….I started tickling his fingers in hope of a response only to have him look up at me with this suicidal look begging “please either shoot me or shoot the bastard that put me in a bloody bird cage.” I asked the Kuwaiti if the 2 monkeys were mother and son……and the Kuwaiti looked at me all confused and said “no mother and son…just friend” [Kuwaiti Accent]…..As depressing as the scene was…I was laughing uncontrollably at the Kuwaitis expense.

10 things that crack me up about the global economic crisis

1. No Bridezillas at this wedding




1100 couples in India tied the knot TOGETHER. Cost cutting through “group marriages” is becoming more common because of rising inflation in India… - I thought an arranged marriage was tough but c'mon now...group marriages? I would bet that 700 of those couples met their husband/wife AT THE WEDDING!!!



http://in.news.yahoo.com/139/20090302/824/tnl-over-1000-couples-tie-knots-in-mass.html

2. You have to pay to join the Mile High Club?


Ryanair is going to start charging its passengers for using the toilets on the flight!!!!

When I traveled as a kid, we used get stuffed animals, a can of minute maid juice on demand, a kit full of toiletries and check in 2 bags at 30KG each… Honestly…what’s next guys….are we gonna have to put a damn quarter in the seatbelt to buckle up now.



http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7914542.stm

3. Gigalo is the way to go



When I was graduating, everybody wanted to be an investment banker including myself. I’m glad that people realize they are other ways to crack 6 figures. Daniel, a male escort from London is making some extra cash in the economic downturn by offering his “services” for £100 an hour.


http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/7914639.stm



4. 1 Trillion Dollars!


Is it me or is a million not a big number in today’s times. However, I have never heard the term billion as much as I did in 2008. And now the new trendy thing is talking in TRILLIONS. King Abdullah from Saudi made a random statement during the economic summit in Kuwait that the Arab nations collectively lost $2.5 TRILLION DOLLARS in 4 MONTHS.

I’m sure if you asked the him what it was spent on…the response will be: ”uhh...STUFF”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7834829.stm


5. Aston Martin….yes..I own it


I know a lot of you are probably asking how is that even possible to lose 2.5 trillion in 4 months, Well I’ll tell you for example in Kuwait…your financial planners aka huge investment companies like Investment Dar invested almost $1 billion to buy Aston Martin just so they could say “We own it” [Kuwaiti Accent]. 2 Years later the company is struggling to keep its head above water, and announcing pay cuts for all employees (the nicer alternative to layoffs)


6. From slumdog to millionaire….and then back to Slumdog



Slumdog cost approx. $15 million dollars, and it made almost $100 million on the US box office (number is still growing). The movie made 7 times of what it actually cost. For those of you that love this overrated movie will finally understand why I’m not impressed with our profit sharing friend Danny Boyle.

The two kids who portrayed young jamal and young latika were actual kids that lived in the slums of Mumbai that got local wages for 30 days of work they put into shooting the movie and then returned to their ghetto holes. Even after the movie cracked 50 million these kids WERE STILL living in their slums…obviously after the movie’s success at the golden globes and baftas, the Indian government finally decided to take them out of the slums because of all of the commotion it stirred.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7909660.stm

7. Bernanke’s Baffled ass

2 weeks ago head of the fed (Bernanke) was preaching about how optimism will cure the US economy…. 2 weeks later consumer confidence hits an all time low after he states the recession will progress into 2010. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a bit pessimistic?

8. Globally Available Recession Goods

I met with one of our clients the other day, and I had to comment on this ugly Styrofoam hat that was on his desk. He laughed and told me that it was his “recession hat”. In past years, the company usually has giveaways like sun block, a hat or visor when they have their sports days. Given the current market conditions in 2009 all employees are now getting a Styrofoam hat that melts on top of your head….but does a damn good job of keeping the sun out of your eyes.

In Japan, they are selling RECESSION BEER…. It’s half the price of other beers in Japan…and what these cheap ass beer drinkers don’t realize is…it’s not Beer. I cannot wait to see the next Budweiser commercial showing the evolution of Beer from Regular to Light and now to our latest beer called the Recession beer which tastes like horse piss in a can.

9. Reason for termination: Facebook
[Based on true story]

Imagine coming into work, and your boss tells you the good news that the company is not downsizing, and not affected by the recession. Bad news is you have to clear your desk because your status on facebook was “I’m bored at work”
http://edition.cnn.com/video/

10. When things are going down….go Topless!!!

I do believe while some people are losing homes & their savings by the minute, there is a guy around the block getting rich. This looney coffee shop owner in Maine has his male and female wait staff servicing the shop's customers topless.

Who knew coffee and boobs go together….NOW that’s what I call a great “stimulus” plan.

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/US/02/27/topless.coffee.shop/index.html

Short & Bittersweet trip to the homeland

Thursday (Probably the best night of my trip)

I went through a full day of work, parked my car at the airport and got on the flight to Dubai. Before I took off, I called a buddy of mine who is in Dubai for his sister’s engagement party and he’s currently getting his MBA at Harvard….and I really wanted to speak to him about the whole application process and tips on getting in. Since I had a 5 hour stopover in Dubai, I asked him if he wanted to grab dinner and then he could drop me back to the airport. He agreed, so I called him when I landed. So he was nice enough to come pick me up at the airport at 9pm in Dubai, and asked me where I wanted to go. I told him I was indifferent but I did not have much of an appetite….so we decided to go to this hot spot called barasti….it’s a open patio bar…and the downstairs plays hip hop. Real fun spot….had $100 dollars worth of drinks per person in less than an hour : D then after feeling pretty good the two of us decided to hop spots even though it is now 11PM, and my flight takes off at 130AM.

Then we went to Budha Bar….which is one of the hardest spots to get into in Dubai because of its lame ass uppity crowd. WE obviously were standing in the back of the line with no hope of getting in….so I went up to the bouncer showed him my boarding pass for my 130AM flight and said there’s a girl in there I just want to say goodbye to before I fly out in an hour. He’s like damn…she must be real special for you to risk missing your flight…and I was like uhhh yeah…real special….SO he let me and as I’m about to walk in, I realize he didn’t let my budddy in….and then I went back to the same bouncer and was like uhhh…he needs to say bye too….at this point this bouncer just laughed and thought we were just 2 weird dudes….and let us in through pity.

Buddha Bar ^^^

So me and my buddy now were already pretty tipsy…but now I’m in straight hardcore party mode with the way the nights going so far. We drank some mojitos (which sucked) and just kicked it at this place till about 1215AM…This random thoughs of anxiety did cross my mind about my flight, because you’re supposed to be at the gate at least 30 minutes before departure….and they close the airplane doors (Emirates policy) 15 minutes before departure….so I literally have an hour….my buddy added to the anxiety by telling me about the hotel next to us has a really nice place on the rooftop…and even though I know it could have been one of the dumbest things I did, we actually went to this THIRD place…again really uppity crowd but fantastic view of the entire dubai marina skyline…absolutely gorgeous. So after 10 minutes of soaking it in, we went back down, and he raced me to the airport…and thankfully got me there at exactly 1AM….I literally stumbled and semi jogged through security half tipsy (I chuckled while being frisked, so it should give you an idea of what my BAC was) to catch my flight and literally was the last person to get on at exactly 115AM…..What a way to start a trip eh….a first for me to leave the airport and get semi-inebriated between transferring flights

Friday

Arrived in Karachi at about 525AM local time….and was ready to hit the sack as soon as I got home. Woke up at 1030…had bkfst with family…talked a bit about my experience in Kuwait, and then my dad and I went to my grandfather’s grave (I was named after him but I never met him) – from there went ran some errands like change money and brought some cologne and perfumes from my cousins because I obviously didn’t get any time to shop at Dubai duty free. Saw my grandmother who is now in her 90s but nobody really knows her age and whenever I ask her she says it was during WWI....it helps to have a grandmother that doesn't remember her age or even the day she was born- she'll never get mad at you for fogetting...and that is one less birthday gift you have to give : D

Went to Friday prayer a little late to the closest mosque in the shopping area....where most of the poor (majority of the population) pray. My immature ass was easily humored by some of the men walking in were holding hands...and I believe they do that because of 1 of 3 reasons:

1. -It's way to show affection for a brother from another mother
2. -They feel more secure/protected when in a foreign or dangerous environment
3. -GAY
   

Ended up giving this kid praying next to me a 100 Rupees ($1.25) to buy some sandals because he was the most adorable thing you have ever seen. Remind me to act out the way this kid prayed the next time I see you in person...you just had to be there. He had eyeliner on (yeah...don't ask I blame the parents), a nose full of boogers, a gray kurta (which I'm guessing was white when brand new) and the dirtiest feet you have ever seen. Kinda looked like this kid below:




Later that evening. I met some more of the family that I haven't seen in quite some time for dinner….had a good laugh, made fun of kuwaitis, ate some great home cooked food, and played cards until 4AM.


Saturday

Went to the tailors….got two suits made for $400 (32K Rupees) which is a lot of money in pakistan considering I used to buy em for $100 back in the day…and now I’m kicking myself in the ass because I really don’t need any more suits….I have 12 now including the two new ones. BTW I go to one of the best male tailors (Ambassador) in Pakistan…I believe he’s the only one in Karachi that has authentic Italian fabric from Italy….a lot of the other tailors in karachi claim they do too but it’s “Italian” fabric made in korea….wtf?

Anyway after getting some shopping done, we had dinner plans with the entire family....What made dinner at the Marriot interesting was guy inside this café area on his fuckin piano kept singing all these damn songs right next to our table…and this table of aunties (literally 30 of them) that obviously don’t get out much were JUST LOVING it so they kept asking him to sing the up tempo bollywood songs….This bastard guy (aka the Pakistani flava flav) got up off his seat and was serenading each of these aunties and got into this rhythm of jumping jack clapping and basically turned this peaceful dinner into a bloody bollywood club with aunties going all wild.

Our table was obviously not amused…and they (mi familia) kept probing me to do something…because I kinda have a reputation for being the problem solver (because I'm the problem 90% of the time)– so I spoke to the management and they told Pakistani flava flav to simmer down a notch…and he obviously complied but I had to deal with flava flav giving me the evil eye for the rest of the evening. Hate to drag the story…but I must add…this fool did resume singing after a good 30 minutes of silence due to popular demand…and just while we were leaving the electricity goes out in the entire lobby/café area and it goes completely dark. Now if this happened in the US…people would have started screaming….kids crying and all…but not in paki….you just heard sighs and it went real quiet. Since flava flav’s routine got cut midway through his lip sync session because the power went out….My vindictive ass felt compelled to finish the rest of the chorus for him….and the silence turned into a huge roar of laughter…and I obviously didn’t deal with any embarrassment because it pitch black and all you heard was my squealing voice.

Sunday

Dropped pops to the airport because he is flying back to texas…and we literally got stopped (security checkpoint) three times on the way there…it’s amazing how much security there is now for everybody. They checked our trunk and dashboard and everything, even asked for my dad’s ticket. I’m glad security is cracking down or at least attempting to because the homeland is no longer a safe place to live.

I drove past our old house and had to check it out…felt really weird to come back to the homeland….and have no home….it’s a mix between nostalgia and disappointment….I’ll explain the second feeling in a little bit.

I spent majority of my Sunday with my cousin and his new born. He just had a son 3 months ago and this guy was probably the closest cousin to me when I grew up in Karachi….you know how adolescent males get so attached to a big brother figure… and since I did not have one…I shadowed this particular cousin everywhere…growing up in karachi…we used to horse around during prayers every Friday and laugh hysterically at the dumbest things when watching cartoons like the Aristocats…and as I got older my social life really revolved around this cousin. However after moving to US…I didn’t attend his wedding, did not call him when he had a son...and we probably haven’t spoken in the last 5 years….but I have a real soft spot for that guy….and I now I am completely hooked on his son. He is such a good baby…he doesn’t cry at all and lets me hold him….keep in mind he’s only 3 mo’s old.- don’t know if it’s because it’s my cousins son or if it’s because I really want to have one….or it’s probably because he’s named after my favorite soccer player.

Had a late flight back home to Kuwait…and spent the entire flight back reflecting on the trip….and back to my feelings of nostalgia and disappointment. I have made two trips back since moving to the US…and I am convinced after trip # 2 that Karachi is one place I could never live in again. These feelings of disappointment were preceded by a long conversation with my grandmother attempting to persuade her to move to the US. She believes she might be happier in the US in terms of lifestyle, but it’s still soil that she cannot call her own. I’m not convinced that I buy that argument….I do identify myself as being Pakistani, and do embrace the good and bad things about our culture. However, I feel the US did a lot for me that Karachi never could – and I cannot even fathom what it would be like to acclimate in reverse.

Pray for the homeland my peoples

When good things happen to bad people...sigh!

Since when did a sex on the beach get you a 3 month sentence and 170 quid fine!!!

I almost died when I saw the pictures on a fowarded email. For those of you that have no clue on what I'm talking about....this unmarried british couple got busted for having sex on the beach in Dubai....I didn't think much of the story until I saw the pictures..

I'd seriously put em' up but I am certain my blog is going to get flagged because they are pretty graphic. Let me give you a visual....Its a bright sunny day on the beach....with kids playing in the water...and 60 year old couples taking strolls on the beach with their jaws wide open....and amidst all this we see a pasty European couple having intercourse in the "ventro-dorsal position" (doggy style for my vulgar readers)!

Now there is important message here....Dubai obviously attracts tourists of all types - Read up http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7803047.stm

My favorite quotes from Vince Acors a.k.a the poking perpetrator:

• "There would have been some physical contact, but intercourse did not take place."


• “We were obviously on the beach, and the definition of sex in this country is different to the definition in the Middle East”


• "We just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time"
  
  The guy (Vince Acors) cracks me up : D... he's pulling the R. Kelly defense card, but unfortunately R.Kelly actually believed that shit would fly in court (one of my favorite songs actually)

The dynamic list of Kuwaiti likes and dislikes

Likes


1. Klubbin in Kuwait


I was disappointed nobody knew who I dressed up as for Halloween. You know you have a shitty costume when…. everybody gives you that puzzled look and asks the dreaded Halloween question “And what are you supposed to be”….and I very confidently respond “Uhh Tony Parker…French basketball player….plays for the Spurs…married to Eva Longoria” – they say “ohhhh…cool” [then walk away].


I will admit the way people do up their apartments for a party deserves some merit. They had a DJ that played all my favorite tunes, a bar with a Jewish bartender that puts a teaspoon of liquor in every drink, and all those green laser lights to disguise your lack of rhythm, as an epileptic seizure.


All the spiders, cobwebs and the other glow in the dark bullshit that got me thinking.....I need to get my own place in Kuwait and start hosting my own lil’ shin digs. That way I won’t be castrated of my social life that I once had….but more importantly, I won’t have to resort to smoking Shisha every weekend.


2. Weather is just gorgeous

The jogs at Mishref park are amazing….it’s even funnier to see what people wear now. I saw a joker the other day wearing a turtle neck while walking in 70F weather.

I’ve been playing a lot more basketball now that the weather is much cooler. Although I did get discriminated against last week – The court I was playing on cleared out after the last game, but I still wanted to play….so I asked the adjacent court (The Philipino court) if I could run a quick game with them. They said NO…not a maybe…or uhhh we already have a game going….I got a flat out NO. I didn’t get too bent out of shape because I played with them a long time ago…and whenever I asked this dude that was guarding me what the score was he said “porteen…pibteen”…..my immature ass obviously easily humored by foreign accents asked him at least another 20 times….until he went silent on me

3. I actually love my job

I am doing business development work, which would have taken light years had I still been at my former company. I am not micro managed, and my sole responsibility is to manage relationships. Although, there is a lot of ambiguity and cultural issues that come along with it but it’s still a blessing compared to how I was spending my days in Houston.

I had to get this proposal out before end of day and needed input from a fellow team member in India. He did not respond to my email, so I sent him an SMS text if he had seen the email. His response via SMS read “Didn’t received” --- I laughed hysterically for a good minute because his grammar conscious ass put the apostrophe on didn’t

If that tickles your pickle…let me tell you another SMS I received from my Kuwaiti friend that reminds me of Dopey from snow white. This is exactly how the text read:
Me: “Are you going to come with me when we go pick up the car….?”
Dopey: “Enshallh. That’s mean yap”

Am I the only one that thinks that shit is hilarious?

Dislikes

1. Only the written word carries weight in Kuwait

If isn’t on written or documented, your commitment is merely a nothing more than a meaningless conversation. That applies to work, and making plans outside of work. I get very resentful when someone graciously wastes my time whose strategy for success is “just to get by”….they tell you stuff just to get by…my oh so ethical, yet so naïve ass is getting all walked over. My kindness is often mistaken for weakness, so do I change my approach….or do I continue to drown with resentment?

2. No healthy alternatives


Did you know Kuwait has the largest burger king in the world? And believe me I think they have the biggest KFC and Pizza hut too. It’s huge…..almost comparable to a department store in US…the BK by my house in Houston can fit maybe 20 people….but this BK paradise in Kuwait can accommodate for at least 200 people. Shit…you could get married at this factory for fat fucks….and get a happy meal (toy not included) for all your oh so happy guests.




My fat ass can barely fit into my suits because there are no healthy alternatives….no Boston Market, no potbelly’s, no Schlotzsky’s....just 1or 2 subways which I have yet to figure out the location. That doesn’t bother me as much as the people that I talk to about this topic. Everybody I discuss this with is like “haha…only ladies watch their figure”….that’s probably true cuz they certainly aren’t watching the Rolley Polley bastards their families forced them to marry.


3. Couples only qualifier


Kuwait is the place to be for couples, and of course homosexuals.

• If you want to sit in the middle of the movie theatre… you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want a gym membership at a lower price…you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want to rent that condo on Marina with the nice view….you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want to sit in a restaurant section where there are girls….you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want to party at a club in Bahrain/Dubai to escape from Q8...you can’t because it’s for couples only

Some would argue these rules help moderate the traffic of sexually repressed men….I would argue its rules like these that breed incest, pedophiles, rape cases (that also apply to dopey lookin’ sheep) -

Viva Dubai?

Dubai has been on the top of my 5 cities to visit before 2012 (Buenos Aires, Bangkok, Rio, Tokyo are the other 4 for those of you that want to plan a trip with me)...I was able to get 20% closer to my goal last weekend when I fled to Dubai from Kuwait. I don't want to bash Dubai because of one very short lived weekend....but let's just say it’s not my kinda city. Let me preface my observations by saying I was expecting Vegas...and got an LA instead.

All the good things in Dubai come at a price, which makes you hate the things you love about the city.

Traffic & Construction
The architecture is stunning, and you'll be amazed on how much development has occurred in the last 3 years. Structures like the Burj Al-Arab, Atlantis and Emirates Towers are jaw dropping structures...almost to the point that you're intimidated to actually walk inside.

BUT because of these damn skyscrapers, there’s construction EVERYWHERE. During the day all you hear are cranes, drilling, trucks beeping while reversing and all the clinkety clank noises that make you wanna throw a rock at these Bob the Bengali Builders (I swear I'm not racist). So you escape from the apartment only to find yourself in a cluster fuck of traffic (spending 90 minutes in traffic is a common practice)....even if it’s midnight!

Pretty Places but ugly faces
The clubs are amazing, the lighting, the dance floors, and the music….my favorite being 360….It’s an open area club on the water where you can see the Burj Al-Arab (the sail) on the right side, and the Jumeirah Beach Hotel (wave) on the left. Crowd is diverse….and pretty much everyone is speaking a foreign language.

BUT getting a drink at this place is bloody difficult. The bartenders are not these hunky guys or girls with boobies….their all either flip (from the Philippines) or Indian and can barely reach over the bar….they move at the pace of a sloth, and the only way you get served is if they understand your accent. Yup, I was screwed…standing at the counter was like being on a trading floor….I had all sorts of people reaching over my shoulder, yelling out jibrish that apparently the bartenders understood. So I adopted the same technique….but all of sudden when I did… the record stopped! Everybody on the counter just paused and stared at me like I just arrived from Mars….but hey it got the bartender’s attention. I realized the glares were justified after the bartender told me that Smirnoff is their top of the shelf vodka…and asking for Grey Goose is the equivalent of asking for a Pink Flamingo : D

OH did I forget to mention a Smirnoff single is around $16 bucks –

Just another transition city
I’m all about Diversity…and Dubai really caters to the masses. When standing in line, there was a group of Asian folk behind us and they had the thickest Australian accents. How funny is that shit….imagine Jackie Chan with a Steve Irwin (The crocodile hunter that got hunted) voiceover. It’s the only city in the world where you can go on a Desert Safari, then Shop & Ski at the Mall of Emirates, followed by a nice dinner at Trader Vics on the River walk, only to throw up your meal after going to a Mujra (google it) , and then finish the night at a Salsa Spot.

BUT Dubai is what I like to call a “transition city”….everybody that actually lives there is going through some temporary phase in their life which brought them to Dubai. Also, you will rarely meet a person that’s been in Dubai for 10+ years. Majority of the population is living hand to mouth because housing & cost of living is just stupidly expensive ($3000 a month for a studio in Marina). Dubai’s flashy and over the top mission statement (Jack of all trades, master of none) has permeated throughout the society…where everyone is caught in this weird identity crisis and pretty plastic so good luck trying to make friends when you go out.

My first car accident....in Kuwait!

[This story is based on true events…. Any resemblance to actual persons -- living or dead -- is NOT purely coincidental.]


I’m driving in Salmiya (Uptown Kuwait as I like to call it) during busiest time…830PM. Parking lot is packed, so I take the first left into this parking lot lane. Now while I’m cruising down, this Lexus backs up right into me onto the passenger side door. As I get out and storm to the other car, I see this little creepy E.T looking guy behind the wheel glaring at me like I’m from a different planet (:D) ….apparently E.T was a Bengali valet driver (Fun Fact: the valet drivers here park in public parking lots – so the idiots that valet their cars might as well piss in the wind).

Then the Armenian guy (valet boss) states it was my fault because I came down the wrong way. There are no signs posted, cars double parked and on top of curbs, no CLEARLY visible arrows….and this joker is telling me that I came down the wrong way…..I had to resist the urge to shove E.T up his ass so he can really understand what it means to go the wrong way. Instead I quoted my favorite movie and said “It's behind you, Tyrone. Whenever you reverse things come from behind you.” But the language barrier/accent posed a bit of a problem.

Then the police come (Current Time: 10PM)…don’t speak a word of English….and get the Armenian’s explanation of what happened. All I hear is “Derka Derka Amreeki..Yaani….Derka Derka Amreeki…Yaani….Derka Derka Amreeki” So now the Armenian turns to me and says we have to go to the police station to fill out a report, because these guys are not traffic police. WTF….so I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing?....he shrugs his shoulders.


So I get back in my dented car and now follow the Kuwait lexus owner (whose lexus is now missing a bumper) because I had no idea where this police station is - probably the funniest part of the story in my opinion if you think about it. Behind the counter at the police station, there three guys are sitting in their chairs "pan walla" style (see below if you don't know what I mean) smoking and blowing loops in each other’s faces.


After, seeing us (E.T, Armenian, Kuwaiti Lexus owner, myself) standing at the counter for a good 3 minutes he gets off his rear, takes my license and registration, gives it to another guy (he also looked like E.T :D), who then comes back with the photocopy….and then the “pan walla police officer” tells us we need to go to another police station (Current Time: 12AM). WTF…So I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing…..he shrugs his shoulders.

So I get back in my dented car to follow the Lexus to this other Police Station…the guy at the counter says we have to meet with “The Investigator” who will then complete the police report. I’m praying in the waiting room that this investigator speaks at least a bit of English so I can accurately communicate my ordeal. My prayer was nothing more than an unrealistic expectation. The Armenian had to play the role of translator, because the Kuwaiti Lexus owner was a mute and E.T communicates with his middle finger. So we finally meet this CSI bad ass wannabe in his office…and he asks the Armenian….

CSI Badass wannabe : “Derka Derka Amreeki Derka wrong way?”
Armenian translates: “Did you (Amreeki) enter through an exit and proceed to go the wrong way?”
My smart ass responds: “How do you know it’s an exit?”
The Armenian translates back to the CSI bad ass wannabe

[LONG MOMENT OF SILENCE]
The CSI bad ass wannabe gets up off his chair abruptly and says “I want to go to the scene of the crime” [Arabic]

I’m delighted he even entertained the fact that I had some validity in my story….and we all take our separate vehicles back to parking lot in Salmiya (Current Time: 1AM).

As I was the last to get back to the scene of the crime, I see suicidal looking E.T sitting on the curb, Armenian leaned back against his parked car and the agitated Kuwaiti lexus owner pacing in a circle…..but no CSI bad ass wannabe. So we wait…shoot the breeze….wait some more…and do some more bullshit bonding (Current Time: 3AM). There is STILL no sign of the CSI bad ass wannbe...and we continue to wait until the Kuwaiti starts yelling on his phone and informs the Armenian that the Investigator is not coming. WTF…So I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing…..he shrugs his shoulders.

So now we all drive back to police station…and at this point I am too tired to even get frustrated, let alone express it. Again, I find myself sitting in the waiting room for CSI bad ass wannabe to spare some of his oh so precious time for my oh so insignificant case. When he does decide to see us, he claims to have visited the scene of the crime and determined that I did indeed go down the wrong way. I am still astonished on how he accomplished that miracle while sitting on his ass at the station. Anyway as a humble foreigner, I sign the paperwork which is all in Arabic because I am too disgusted to have anybody translate for me at this stage.

As a consulation, the CSI badass wannabe explained that even if the Lexus owner was at fault, we both would still fix our cars out of pocket, and then the victim hopes to get reimbursed by the faulty driver’s insurance at a later time (now thats a funny process)

So just for fun…let’s say it was his fault…he pays for the damage on his car…and I pay for the damage on my car….and then 5 months later… I pray his insurance pays me back. I look at my watch, and it is now 430AM and then I ask the Armenian WTF...did we ALL just wait 8 hours for nothing…..the bastard smiles and nods.


Moral of story – Lessons Learned:
1. Learn to speak Arabic
2. Don’t call the police unless it’s a bad wreck
3. Forget everything I have learned in the US about signs and driving laws
4. Burn my E.T DVD