When good things happen to bad people...sigh!

Since when did a sex on the beach get you a 3 month sentence and 170 quid fine!!!

I almost died when I saw the pictures on a fowarded email. For those of you that have no clue on what I'm talking about....this unmarried british couple got busted for having sex on the beach in Dubai....I didn't think much of the story until I saw the pictures..

I'd seriously put em' up but I am certain my blog is going to get flagged because they are pretty graphic. Let me give you a visual....Its a bright sunny day on the beach....with kids playing in the water...and 60 year old couples taking strolls on the beach with their jaws wide open....and amidst all this we see a pasty European couple having intercourse in the "ventro-dorsal position" (doggy style for my vulgar readers)!

Now there is important message here....Dubai obviously attracts tourists of all types - Read up http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7803047.stm

My favorite quotes from Vince Acors a.k.a the poking perpetrator:

• "There would have been some physical contact, but intercourse did not take place."


• “We were obviously on the beach, and the definition of sex in this country is different to the definition in the Middle East”


• "We just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time"
  
  The guy (Vince Acors) cracks me up : D... he's pulling the R. Kelly defense card, but unfortunately R.Kelly actually believed that shit would fly in court (one of my favorite songs actually)

The dynamic list of Kuwaiti likes and dislikes

Likes


1. Klubbin in Kuwait


I was disappointed nobody knew who I dressed up as for Halloween. You know you have a shitty costume when…. everybody gives you that puzzled look and asks the dreaded Halloween question “And what are you supposed to be”….and I very confidently respond “Uhh Tony Parker…French basketball player….plays for the Spurs…married to Eva Longoria” – they say “ohhhh…cool” [then walk away].


I will admit the way people do up their apartments for a party deserves some merit. They had a DJ that played all my favorite tunes, a bar with a Jewish bartender that puts a teaspoon of liquor in every drink, and all those green laser lights to disguise your lack of rhythm, as an epileptic seizure.


All the spiders, cobwebs and the other glow in the dark bullshit that got me thinking.....I need to get my own place in Kuwait and start hosting my own lil’ shin digs. That way I won’t be castrated of my social life that I once had….but more importantly, I won’t have to resort to smoking Shisha every weekend.


2. Weather is just gorgeous

The jogs at Mishref park are amazing….it’s even funnier to see what people wear now. I saw a joker the other day wearing a turtle neck while walking in 70F weather.

I’ve been playing a lot more basketball now that the weather is much cooler. Although I did get discriminated against last week – The court I was playing on cleared out after the last game, but I still wanted to play….so I asked the adjacent court (The Philipino court) if I could run a quick game with them. They said NO…not a maybe…or uhhh we already have a game going….I got a flat out NO. I didn’t get too bent out of shape because I played with them a long time ago…and whenever I asked this dude that was guarding me what the score was he said “porteen…pibteen”…..my immature ass obviously easily humored by foreign accents asked him at least another 20 times….until he went silent on me

3. I actually love my job

I am doing business development work, which would have taken light years had I still been at my former company. I am not micro managed, and my sole responsibility is to manage relationships. Although, there is a lot of ambiguity and cultural issues that come along with it but it’s still a blessing compared to how I was spending my days in Houston.

I had to get this proposal out before end of day and needed input from a fellow team member in India. He did not respond to my email, so I sent him an SMS text if he had seen the email. His response via SMS read “Didn’t received” --- I laughed hysterically for a good minute because his grammar conscious ass put the apostrophe on didn’t

If that tickles your pickle…let me tell you another SMS I received from my Kuwaiti friend that reminds me of Dopey from snow white. This is exactly how the text read:
Me: “Are you going to come with me when we go pick up the car….?”
Dopey: “Enshallh. That’s mean yap”

Am I the only one that thinks that shit is hilarious?

Dislikes

1. Only the written word carries weight in Kuwait

If isn’t on written or documented, your commitment is merely a nothing more than a meaningless conversation. That applies to work, and making plans outside of work. I get very resentful when someone graciously wastes my time whose strategy for success is “just to get by”….they tell you stuff just to get by…my oh so ethical, yet so naïve ass is getting all walked over. My kindness is often mistaken for weakness, so do I change my approach….or do I continue to drown with resentment?

2. No healthy alternatives


Did you know Kuwait has the largest burger king in the world? And believe me I think they have the biggest KFC and Pizza hut too. It’s huge…..almost comparable to a department store in US…the BK by my house in Houston can fit maybe 20 people….but this BK paradise in Kuwait can accommodate for at least 200 people. Shit…you could get married at this factory for fat fucks….and get a happy meal (toy not included) for all your oh so happy guests.




My fat ass can barely fit into my suits because there are no healthy alternatives….no Boston Market, no potbelly’s, no Schlotzsky’s....just 1or 2 subways which I have yet to figure out the location. That doesn’t bother me as much as the people that I talk to about this topic. Everybody I discuss this with is like “haha…only ladies watch their figure”….that’s probably true cuz they certainly aren’t watching the Rolley Polley bastards their families forced them to marry.


3. Couples only qualifier


Kuwait is the place to be for couples, and of course homosexuals.

• If you want to sit in the middle of the movie theatre… you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want a gym membership at a lower price…you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want to rent that condo on Marina with the nice view….you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want to sit in a restaurant section where there are girls….you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want to party at a club in Bahrain/Dubai to escape from Q8...you can’t because it’s for couples only

Some would argue these rules help moderate the traffic of sexually repressed men….I would argue its rules like these that breed incest, pedophiles, rape cases (that also apply to dopey lookin’ sheep) -

Viva Dubai?

Dubai has been on the top of my 5 cities to visit before 2012 (Buenos Aires, Bangkok, Rio, Tokyo are the other 4 for those of you that want to plan a trip with me)...I was able to get 20% closer to my goal last weekend when I fled to Dubai from Kuwait. I don't want to bash Dubai because of one very short lived weekend....but let's just say it’s not my kinda city. Let me preface my observations by saying I was expecting Vegas...and got an LA instead.

All the good things in Dubai come at a price, which makes you hate the things you love about the city.

Traffic & Construction
The architecture is stunning, and you'll be amazed on how much development has occurred in the last 3 years. Structures like the Burj Al-Arab, Atlantis and Emirates Towers are jaw dropping structures...almost to the point that you're intimidated to actually walk inside.

BUT because of these damn skyscrapers, there’s construction EVERYWHERE. During the day all you hear are cranes, drilling, trucks beeping while reversing and all the clinkety clank noises that make you wanna throw a rock at these Bob the Bengali Builders (I swear I'm not racist). So you escape from the apartment only to find yourself in a cluster fuck of traffic (spending 90 minutes in traffic is a common practice)....even if it’s midnight!

Pretty Places but ugly faces
The clubs are amazing, the lighting, the dance floors, and the music….my favorite being 360….It’s an open area club on the water where you can see the Burj Al-Arab (the sail) on the right side, and the Jumeirah Beach Hotel (wave) on the left. Crowd is diverse….and pretty much everyone is speaking a foreign language.

BUT getting a drink at this place is bloody difficult. The bartenders are not these hunky guys or girls with boobies….their all either flip (from the Philippines) or Indian and can barely reach over the bar….they move at the pace of a sloth, and the only way you get served is if they understand your accent. Yup, I was screwed…standing at the counter was like being on a trading floor….I had all sorts of people reaching over my shoulder, yelling out jibrish that apparently the bartenders understood. So I adopted the same technique….but all of sudden when I did… the record stopped! Everybody on the counter just paused and stared at me like I just arrived from Mars….but hey it got the bartender’s attention. I realized the glares were justified after the bartender told me that Smirnoff is their top of the shelf vodka…and asking for Grey Goose is the equivalent of asking for a Pink Flamingo : D

OH did I forget to mention a Smirnoff single is around $16 bucks –

Just another transition city
I’m all about Diversity…and Dubai really caters to the masses. When standing in line, there was a group of Asian folk behind us and they had the thickest Australian accents. How funny is that shit….imagine Jackie Chan with a Steve Irwin (The crocodile hunter that got hunted) voiceover. It’s the only city in the world where you can go on a Desert Safari, then Shop & Ski at the Mall of Emirates, followed by a nice dinner at Trader Vics on the River walk, only to throw up your meal after going to a Mujra (google it) , and then finish the night at a Salsa Spot.

BUT Dubai is what I like to call a “transition city”….everybody that actually lives there is going through some temporary phase in their life which brought them to Dubai. Also, you will rarely meet a person that’s been in Dubai for 10+ years. Majority of the population is living hand to mouth because housing & cost of living is just stupidly expensive ($3000 a month for a studio in Marina). Dubai’s flashy and over the top mission statement (Jack of all trades, master of none) has permeated throughout the society…where everyone is caught in this weird identity crisis and pretty plastic so good luck trying to make friends when you go out.

My first car accident....in Kuwait!

[This story is based on true events…. Any resemblance to actual persons -- living or dead -- is NOT purely coincidental.]


I’m driving in Salmiya (Uptown Kuwait as I like to call it) during busiest time…830PM. Parking lot is packed, so I take the first left into this parking lot lane. Now while I’m cruising down, this Lexus backs up right into me onto the passenger side door. As I get out and storm to the other car, I see this little creepy E.T looking guy behind the wheel glaring at me like I’m from a different planet (:D) ….apparently E.T was a Bengali valet driver (Fun Fact: the valet drivers here park in public parking lots – so the idiots that valet their cars might as well piss in the wind).

Then the Armenian guy (valet boss) states it was my fault because I came down the wrong way. There are no signs posted, cars double parked and on top of curbs, no CLEARLY visible arrows….and this joker is telling me that I came down the wrong way…..I had to resist the urge to shove E.T up his ass so he can really understand what it means to go the wrong way. Instead I quoted my favorite movie and said “It's behind you, Tyrone. Whenever you reverse things come from behind you.” But the language barrier/accent posed a bit of a problem.

Then the police come (Current Time: 10PM)…don’t speak a word of English….and get the Armenian’s explanation of what happened. All I hear is “Derka Derka Amreeki..Yaani….Derka Derka Amreeki…Yaani….Derka Derka Amreeki” So now the Armenian turns to me and says we have to go to the police station to fill out a report, because these guys are not traffic police. WTF….so I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing?....he shrugs his shoulders.


So I get back in my dented car and now follow the Kuwait lexus owner (whose lexus is now missing a bumper) because I had no idea where this police station is - probably the funniest part of the story in my opinion if you think about it. Behind the counter at the police station, there three guys are sitting in their chairs "pan walla" style (see below if you don't know what I mean) smoking and blowing loops in each other’s faces.


After, seeing us (E.T, Armenian, Kuwaiti Lexus owner, myself) standing at the counter for a good 3 minutes he gets off his rear, takes my license and registration, gives it to another guy (he also looked like E.T :D), who then comes back with the photocopy….and then the “pan walla police officer” tells us we need to go to another police station (Current Time: 12AM). WTF…So I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing…..he shrugs his shoulders.

So I get back in my dented car to follow the Lexus to this other Police Station…the guy at the counter says we have to meet with “The Investigator” who will then complete the police report. I’m praying in the waiting room that this investigator speaks at least a bit of English so I can accurately communicate my ordeal. My prayer was nothing more than an unrealistic expectation. The Armenian had to play the role of translator, because the Kuwaiti Lexus owner was a mute and E.T communicates with his middle finger. So we finally meet this CSI bad ass wannabe in his office…and he asks the Armenian….

CSI Badass wannabe : “Derka Derka Amreeki Derka wrong way?”
Armenian translates: “Did you (Amreeki) enter through an exit and proceed to go the wrong way?”
My smart ass responds: “How do you know it’s an exit?”
The Armenian translates back to the CSI bad ass wannabe

[LONG MOMENT OF SILENCE]
The CSI bad ass wannabe gets up off his chair abruptly and says “I want to go to the scene of the crime” [Arabic]

I’m delighted he even entertained the fact that I had some validity in my story….and we all take our separate vehicles back to parking lot in Salmiya (Current Time: 1AM).

As I was the last to get back to the scene of the crime, I see suicidal looking E.T sitting on the curb, Armenian leaned back against his parked car and the agitated Kuwaiti lexus owner pacing in a circle…..but no CSI bad ass wannabe. So we wait…shoot the breeze….wait some more…and do some more bullshit bonding (Current Time: 3AM). There is STILL no sign of the CSI bad ass wannbe...and we continue to wait until the Kuwaiti starts yelling on his phone and informs the Armenian that the Investigator is not coming. WTF…So I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing…..he shrugs his shoulders.

So now we all drive back to police station…and at this point I am too tired to even get frustrated, let alone express it. Again, I find myself sitting in the waiting room for CSI bad ass wannabe to spare some of his oh so precious time for my oh so insignificant case. When he does decide to see us, he claims to have visited the scene of the crime and determined that I did indeed go down the wrong way. I am still astonished on how he accomplished that miracle while sitting on his ass at the station. Anyway as a humble foreigner, I sign the paperwork which is all in Arabic because I am too disgusted to have anybody translate for me at this stage.

As a consulation, the CSI badass wannabe explained that even if the Lexus owner was at fault, we both would still fix our cars out of pocket, and then the victim hopes to get reimbursed by the faulty driver’s insurance at a later time (now thats a funny process)

So just for fun…let’s say it was his fault…he pays for the damage on his car…and I pay for the damage on my car….and then 5 months later… I pray his insurance pays me back. I look at my watch, and it is now 430AM and then I ask the Armenian WTF...did we ALL just wait 8 hours for nothing…..the bastard smiles and nods.


Moral of story – Lessons Learned:
1. Learn to speak Arabic
2. Don’t call the police unless it’s a bad wreck
3. Forget everything I have learned in the US about signs and driving laws
4. Burn my E.T DVD

Why do you flee to America?

It blows (great choice of words eh?) me away the amount of damage Ike caused….but don’t even talk to me about Islamabad – the whole situation sickens me, and the fact that Zardari fled to America for help just shows the lack of control he has on the situation. It saddens me to think that the possibility of me living in Pakistan in the future is getting dimmer by the day.

I honestly wouldn't be so negative, but the article I read this morning got me all worked up. So ask yourself why did he go to America?

So he can shrug his shoulders when Bush asks him why American drones and choppers are getting shot at on the Pakistani border?

Or is it a plea to crack down on Islamic extremism?

Or is a renewed effort to catch Bin Laden doing push-ups in a cave?

OR....guys the list goes on....but let's read what the media captured:

"Pakistan's President tells Palin she's 'gorgeous'"!!!

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/24/palin.pakistan/index.html



I have never seen a widower that happy....could somebody remind this hormonal fool that his wife was assasinated 9 months ago...and he should at least pretent to look a bit more mournful.

God bless the photographer for not taking a full body shot. Or the headline would have read "Pakistan's President pitches a tent when meeting Hockey Mom"

The dynamic list of Kuwaiti likes and dislikes

1. Salmiya Palace:

The fact that it’s a called a palace is really misleading because it’s not grand, no "see and be seen" crowd and its dirt cheap – Although starting out I hated this place, along with the person that took me there – because I was coerced into going to this so called “palace” for my Birthday where we ended up playing ping pong for three straight hours. However since then, the palace has now evolved into my happy place in Kuwait…because of the 10 things you can do at this one central spot:
· Get your ass whooped by sweaty locals in ping pong
· Shoot pool on vintage pool tables that are obviously older than me
· Play Hearts (aka Black Queen) until 2AM or until you are asked to leave
· Smoke fruity flavored Shisha (without being judged)!
· Watch TV where it’s always on this one channel where a big fat Arab singer is begging to be put out of her misery
· Order a Mixed grill and a plate of Hummus which seriously hits the spot. If that’s too much to handle… they make a killer Chicken Fillet Sandwich that also does the job
· Pay your phone bill – yes…I myself have taken advantage of this Salmiya Palace feature
· Buy designer accessories (watches, wallets, purses) from all your favorite designers FUCCI, FURBERRY, FRADA, FARMANI…and even FENDI.
· Play foosball on a per goal basis…every time one of you scores a goal, you have to put 2 quarters (150 shills) in to get the ball back – what a great source of revenue eh?
· Last but certainly not least…you can meet a buck load of dudes that only speak Arabic

2. The Mishref Walking Track:

Even though it’s Ramadan and its hot/humid as hell, my people watching strolls are a daily part of my routine. It’s not even to lose weight, just seeing all the different shapes, colors and sizes is enough motivation for me. There’s this one guy that wears these short fluorescent yellow (Borat swimsuit) colored shorts, with a black T-shirt EVERY DAY he jogs. I’m so tempted to ask him if he washes his clothes everyday….or where did he discover such a huge collection of these hideous shorts.

Then there’s my eye fuck buddy… a cute blonde Kuwaiti chick...she glares at me every day so I decided to take our relationship to the next level by smiling at her but I don’t think it was well received. I will resort to Plan B...just stop and randomly ask her if she knows who Barrack Obama is?
If she says no, then she’s a natural dumb blonde and we are meant to be together. If she says yes, then she’s not my type because you can “put some lipstick on a pig….but it’s still a pig”.

3. My car

It took me awhile to finally close on this vehicle, because I had the salesman convince me this particular model of the car was sold without a spare tire. My dumb ass not only believed him but actually researched it when I got home.

My car comes with a standard 6 tape changer - 1 in the center dash, and 5 in center console. Notice I said TAPE and not CD. So for those of you that think you need 24”inch spinning rims and fwip scweens to be a big dog…y’all aint got shit on ma 6 tape changer.

It also only has 2 seats…which is more than enough to support my fat ass for those of you that are wondering if I made a practical decision. It also has a trunk which just enough to squeeze in my laptop bag and spare tire.


Dislikes

1. Speed Cameras

Uhh yea…I got my first speeding ticket in Kuwait…I’m almost tempted to speed by the same camera again with my ass hanging out the window. A true Kodak moment!

2. Horny Cats

This bloody cat on heat has been meow-moaning all odd hours of the night and decides to do it right outside my window. I barely get even 2-3 hours of sleep because I have to wake up for Suhoor to eat because sunrise is at 4AM. That cat needs some serious therapy…so thank god for Cat Psychologists (yes they do exist). I really want to sit on a session with a cat psychologist....I mean does the psychologist ask the cat to lie down on the couch and share his feline frustrations. Don’t laugh....it might just go down like that…after all they sent a elephant to rehab for heroin addiction – http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7597835.stm

I’m not convinced he’s fully recovered…give it another year and we’ll hear about the elephant singing: “they tried to make me go to rehab.....but I said no… no….no”

3. Weirdest kid on the block

Apparently EVERYBODY in Kuwait thinks I’m weird...shit I mean there was a handful in the US that thought so but over here I’m a dang celebrity when it comes to being weird.

I played basketball and made the mistake of saying “money in the bank” (an expression us Americans commonly use) when a local teammate sunk a 3-pointer. After that…. every shot I made he said “maaaney on the benk” – let that be a lesson learned never to use slang with the locals. Now every time I come to the court I feel like a social outcast…because they all snicker and say hello Mr. Money on the bank.

My relatives are convinced that I’m on drugs after witnessing my sleep habits first hand. I blamed it on the horny cat…and now they probably think I’m even weirder.

Honestly… it’s not the accent, the slang or the sleep habits….it’s my sense of humor and it hurts me to admit it but nobody here thinks I’m funny. I have gone to extreme lengths of telling people my favorite racist joke and I didn’t even get a sympathy Haha --- How did the Mexican high school girl get pregnant?..................The teacher told her to go do an Essay --

Dammit if you think I’m weird for thinking that’s funny….then shit…maybe you need a lil weird in your life to feel normal.

Shisha/Hookah/Nargileh/Bong used by camel folk

Behold my formula:

Smoking Hookah in Kuwait = Happy Hour in the US – Women

I am not ashamed to admit that smoking out of a water pipe is a social activity I partake in on a daily basis. My virgin lungs may be polluted but I’m in Kuwait for crying out loud….everybody smokes here. I’d rather take the responsibility of screwing up my lungs, than becoming a stupid second hand smoke statistic. After seeing Usain Bolt kill the 100M record, I thought it be fun to see how fast I can run with my polluted lungs...I clocked my 100M sprint @ 13 seconds flat....not bad eh? Not much to celebrate about either, because apparently smoking hookah is worse than cigarettes and one of the leading causes for infertility….but then again this research was done by European scientists. I’ve stop fretting over research studies because it’s all relative or maybe that’s just an excuse some of us use when in need.

The client invited me to go smoke shisha with him during work hours to talk about project related issues. I was really excited at first, but then this guy orders a hookah without any foil…and the coal is directly placed on this extra strong tobacco (“aka Saloom”).
For you non-shishites (:D) that don’t know what I’m talking about: there is foil with tiny little holes placed over the tobacco bowl. The foil acts as a filter, and allows the flavor to last longer. I can’t even smoke it if the holes are too big, because all the ashes end up in the container, in which case you’re better off chewing on a smoldering piece of coal rather than sucking through a pipe.

So back to my story…this coal craving macho prick gets the “Saloom” flavored hookah …and then asks me what I want. At the time, I was craving grape or an apple-mint combo, but I had to reevaluate my decision because now my manly ego is at stake. It’s like when someone gets a scotch on the rocks at happy hour, and you get a cosmopolitan with a cherry on top….while trying to convince the bartender it’s for your girlfriend.

Thankfully, I did not succumb to the societal pressures and ordered myself a nice fruity flavored grape hookah. Also, I blew some smoke loops in his face to redeem my inexperience [ok, now I’m exaggerating]. I find it very entertaining watching grown ass men blow fruit loops at hookah lounges...and if you think I’m easily amused, I implore you to stare at the next blowfish that gets off on forming smoke circles.

Doesn't he look 'oh so special' - Who the f%*# pictures themself blowing loops?