Viva Dubai?

Dubai has been on the top of my 5 cities to visit before 2012 (Buenos Aires, Bangkok, Rio, Tokyo are the other 4 for those of you that want to plan a trip with me)...I was able to get 20% closer to my goal last weekend when I fled to Dubai from Kuwait. I don't want to bash Dubai because of one very short lived weekend....but let's just say it’s not my kinda city. Let me preface my observations by saying I was expecting Vegas...and got an LA instead.

All the good things in Dubai come at a price, which makes you hate the things you love about the city.

Traffic & Construction
The architecture is stunning, and you'll be amazed on how much development has occurred in the last 3 years. Structures like the Burj Al-Arab, Atlantis and Emirates Towers are jaw dropping structures...almost to the point that you're intimidated to actually walk inside.

BUT because of these damn skyscrapers, there’s construction EVERYWHERE. During the day all you hear are cranes, drilling, trucks beeping while reversing and all the clinkety clank noises that make you wanna throw a rock at these Bob the Bengali Builders (I swear I'm not racist). So you escape from the apartment only to find yourself in a cluster fuck of traffic (spending 90 minutes in traffic is a common practice)....even if it’s midnight!

Pretty Places but ugly faces
The clubs are amazing, the lighting, the dance floors, and the music….my favorite being 360….It’s an open area club on the water where you can see the Burj Al-Arab (the sail) on the right side, and the Jumeirah Beach Hotel (wave) on the left. Crowd is diverse….and pretty much everyone is speaking a foreign language.

BUT getting a drink at this place is bloody difficult. The bartenders are not these hunky guys or girls with boobies….their all either flip (from the Philippines) or Indian and can barely reach over the bar….they move at the pace of a sloth, and the only way you get served is if they understand your accent. Yup, I was screwed…standing at the counter was like being on a trading floor….I had all sorts of people reaching over my shoulder, yelling out jibrish that apparently the bartenders understood. So I adopted the same technique….but all of sudden when I did… the record stopped! Everybody on the counter just paused and stared at me like I just arrived from Mars….but hey it got the bartender’s attention. I realized the glares were justified after the bartender told me that Smirnoff is their top of the shelf vodka…and asking for Grey Goose is the equivalent of asking for a Pink Flamingo : D

OH did I forget to mention a Smirnoff single is around $16 bucks –

Just another transition city
I’m all about Diversity…and Dubai really caters to the masses. When standing in line, there was a group of Asian folk behind us and they had the thickest Australian accents. How funny is that shit….imagine Jackie Chan with a Steve Irwin (The crocodile hunter that got hunted) voiceover. It’s the only city in the world where you can go on a Desert Safari, then Shop & Ski at the Mall of Emirates, followed by a nice dinner at Trader Vics on the River walk, only to throw up your meal after going to a Mujra (google it) , and then finish the night at a Salsa Spot.

BUT Dubai is what I like to call a “transition city”….everybody that actually lives there is going through some temporary phase in their life which brought them to Dubai. Also, you will rarely meet a person that’s been in Dubai for 10+ years. Majority of the population is living hand to mouth because housing & cost of living is just stupidly expensive ($3000 a month for a studio in Marina). Dubai’s flashy and over the top mission statement (Jack of all trades, master of none) has permeated throughout the society…where everyone is caught in this weird identity crisis and pretty plastic so good luck trying to make friends when you go out.

My first car accident....in Kuwait!

[This story is based on true events…. Any resemblance to actual persons -- living or dead -- is NOT purely coincidental.]


I’m driving in Salmiya (Uptown Kuwait as I like to call it) during busiest time…830PM. Parking lot is packed, so I take the first left into this parking lot lane. Now while I’m cruising down, this Lexus backs up right into me onto the passenger side door. As I get out and storm to the other car, I see this little creepy E.T looking guy behind the wheel glaring at me like I’m from a different planet (:D) ….apparently E.T was a Bengali valet driver (Fun Fact: the valet drivers here park in public parking lots – so the idiots that valet their cars might as well piss in the wind).

Then the Armenian guy (valet boss) states it was my fault because I came down the wrong way. There are no signs posted, cars double parked and on top of curbs, no CLEARLY visible arrows….and this joker is telling me that I came down the wrong way…..I had to resist the urge to shove E.T up his ass so he can really understand what it means to go the wrong way. Instead I quoted my favorite movie and said “It's behind you, Tyrone. Whenever you reverse things come from behind you.” But the language barrier/accent posed a bit of a problem.

Then the police come (Current Time: 10PM)…don’t speak a word of English….and get the Armenian’s explanation of what happened. All I hear is “Derka Derka Amreeki..Yaani….Derka Derka Amreeki…Yaani….Derka Derka Amreeki” So now the Armenian turns to me and says we have to go to the police station to fill out a report, because these guys are not traffic police. WTF….so I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing?....he shrugs his shoulders.


So I get back in my dented car and now follow the Kuwait lexus owner (whose lexus is now missing a bumper) because I had no idea where this police station is - probably the funniest part of the story in my opinion if you think about it. Behind the counter at the police station, there three guys are sitting in their chairs "pan walla" style (see below if you don't know what I mean) smoking and blowing loops in each other’s faces.


After, seeing us (E.T, Armenian, Kuwaiti Lexus owner, myself) standing at the counter for a good 3 minutes he gets off his rear, takes my license and registration, gives it to another guy (he also looked like E.T :D), who then comes back with the photocopy….and then the “pan walla police officer” tells us we need to go to another police station (Current Time: 12AM). WTF…So I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing…..he shrugs his shoulders.

So I get back in my dented car to follow the Lexus to this other Police Station…the guy at the counter says we have to meet with “The Investigator” who will then complete the police report. I’m praying in the waiting room that this investigator speaks at least a bit of English so I can accurately communicate my ordeal. My prayer was nothing more than an unrealistic expectation. The Armenian had to play the role of translator, because the Kuwaiti Lexus owner was a mute and E.T communicates with his middle finger. So we finally meet this CSI bad ass wannabe in his office…and he asks the Armenian….

CSI Badass wannabe : “Derka Derka Amreeki Derka wrong way?”
Armenian translates: “Did you (Amreeki) enter through an exit and proceed to go the wrong way?”
My smart ass responds: “How do you know it’s an exit?”
The Armenian translates back to the CSI bad ass wannabe

[LONG MOMENT OF SILENCE]
The CSI bad ass wannabe gets up off his chair abruptly and says “I want to go to the scene of the crime” [Arabic]

I’m delighted he even entertained the fact that I had some validity in my story….and we all take our separate vehicles back to parking lot in Salmiya (Current Time: 1AM).

As I was the last to get back to the scene of the crime, I see suicidal looking E.T sitting on the curb, Armenian leaned back against his parked car and the agitated Kuwaiti lexus owner pacing in a circle…..but no CSI bad ass wannabe. So we wait…shoot the breeze….wait some more…and do some more bullshit bonding (Current Time: 3AM). There is STILL no sign of the CSI bad ass wannbe...and we continue to wait until the Kuwaiti starts yelling on his phone and informs the Armenian that the Investigator is not coming. WTF…So I ask him did we just wait 2 hours for nothing…..he shrugs his shoulders.

So now we all drive back to police station…and at this point I am too tired to even get frustrated, let alone express it. Again, I find myself sitting in the waiting room for CSI bad ass wannabe to spare some of his oh so precious time for my oh so insignificant case. When he does decide to see us, he claims to have visited the scene of the crime and determined that I did indeed go down the wrong way. I am still astonished on how he accomplished that miracle while sitting on his ass at the station. Anyway as a humble foreigner, I sign the paperwork which is all in Arabic because I am too disgusted to have anybody translate for me at this stage.

As a consulation, the CSI badass wannabe explained that even if the Lexus owner was at fault, we both would still fix our cars out of pocket, and then the victim hopes to get reimbursed by the faulty driver’s insurance at a later time (now thats a funny process)

So just for fun…let’s say it was his fault…he pays for the damage on his car…and I pay for the damage on my car….and then 5 months later… I pray his insurance pays me back. I look at my watch, and it is now 430AM and then I ask the Armenian WTF...did we ALL just wait 8 hours for nothing…..the bastard smiles and nods.


Moral of story – Lessons Learned:
1. Learn to speak Arabic
2. Don’t call the police unless it’s a bad wreck
3. Forget everything I have learned in the US about signs and driving laws
4. Burn my E.T DVD