This blog has nothing to do with Kuwait

Am I the only one thats glad the Olympics are over....?

I spent the last 4 hours the other day just watching watching herds of dudes speed walking. The only reason it kept my attention for so long is because it was the funniest event. Probably, because the concept: racing someone by walking fast is absurd. Apparently, there is a lot techinique involved with the way you move your hips and shift your weight while walking. Trust me it takes a real secure man or a 22 yr. old Russian kid to win gold in that event. That's one gold medal you can rest assure a Pakistani will never win (not like they're winning in the other events :D). If I told my father at age 5 that I was training to be an olympic speed walker, he 'd tell me to speed walk my goofy ass to hell...and for those of you that know my father would probably agree he would help me get there.

What was my favorite Beijing Olympic memory? Was it Phelp's NASA designed trunks....Bolt's celebration dances...or watching every "graceful" pole vaulter fall on his ass...I can easily say the Chinese telletubbies (aka "Fuwa" - Olympic mascots) were my favorite.



I'm not too sure what's going on in this picture above. What I do know is....the schmuck that designed these Chinese Teletubbies also gave them names : BeiBei (the blue one bending over) and Nini (the green one with the devlish grin) -

After seeing the mascots, I can conclude the Chinese need to grow up....and I can prove it based on my "oh so logical" points below:

• C'mon nah....You know damn well that most kids would be scared to see these freaky blowup dolls. I challenge each of you to put a picture of modern day Michael Jackson or the picture above in front of your son/daughter/nephew/niece to test which one creeps them out more (Not really sure if that exercise proves my point). The point is = the target demographic for the freaky blow up dolls are ADULTS
• May I also point out the guy peeking in BeiBei's anus in the picture above is also a grown ass man (not sure if he's Chinese though :D).
• Aside from these teletubbies, I have met several grown ass Chinese men that watch Anime (Japanese cartoons....but for the sake of argument let's pretend they're Chinese).
• When I last went to Taiwan...."Hello Kitty" was a national symbol - please google it if you don't know what I'm talking about. Hello Kitty is to Taiwan what Jesus is to Rome....
• Chinese age way too gracefully...just try guessing his/her age and you'll fall short majority of the time.

2008 certainly is the year of the Rat

So why have the last 24 hours been all about RATS?

Yesterday Morning: As I walk into work at 730AM and my office hallway reeks of mehndi (henna). I gag every time I get a whiff of mehndi because it is some foul smelling stuff that should be banned in civilized nations (:D)

And NO there wasn't a wedding or mehndi tattooing party at work - apparently a rat died in the air conditioning vent, so the maintenance folk sprayed some chemicals (yes it really smelt like henna), probably to sanitize the vent or kill the poor bastards offspring.

So then after I get off work, I pick up a buddy a mine from his place in Jabriya, and there's a ghetto ambulance outside his apartment. I was not about to get off my car and start investigating who what when where and why....so we just drove off. When we returned home later that evening we learned that the Kuwaiti land owners chauffeur, a Bengali (people from Bangladesh for you ignant folk) fellow committed suicide by swallowing rat poison.....crazy eh?

Now I'm not no Sherlock, but I'm sure it has to do with some of the labor protesting that has been going on recently in Kuwait. Apparently Bengali's are the perceived thugs/gangsters/mafia in Kuwait (which I think is hilarious , and you'd probably agree if you ever met a Bengali). These Bengali's are on minimum wage, and have not been paid their salaries for the past 4-6 months....so I'm not surprised that most of the criminal activity is associated with these Bengali bandits (no affiliation with the Tamil Tigers :D)

So without digressing too much, let me return to the more delightful topic on rats. I read an article this morning titled "India's poor urged to 'eat rats'". How could I not click on the link (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7557107.stm) given the last 24 hours. I was humored by India's secretary of state's Welfare Department is a fuggin moron. His way of dealing with India's ridiculous inflation and food shortages is to eat a bloody rat. I hate to put Mr. Vijay Prakash on blast, but when a government official says: "People now prefer to eat rat meat instead of chicken or goat as it comes cheaper and is more tasty" he/she should be denied any rights to speak publicly......Period. What the article also mentions is his reference is based on the extremely poor town of Bihar (population 2.3 million) where less than 1% of the population is literate...and I'm guessing is probably this dudes hometown :D.

I was rather disappointed to learn I was born in the year of the Rat...although after reading the personality traits I am a much bigger fan of Chinese astrology than the typical Zodiac crock of shit. Now according to Wiki...Rats are intelligent and cunning at the same time, rats are highly ambitious and strong-willed people who are keen and unapologetic promoters of their own agendas, which often include money and power : D Although, I did feel a tad cooler being a Lion over an ugly ass rat. I've been on several first dates where our horoscopes were a topic of discussion. It irritates the life out of me when a girl is trying to measure our compatibility based on our damn horoscope..."Uhh I'm a virgin (Virgo), you're a pussy (Leo)....it would never work out" - Although looking back while I type...I may have misunderstood what she meant....

Regardless...my next strategy is to meet women that follow the Chinese horoscope signs...apparently I get along real well with Monkeys, Dragons and Oxen so shoot me an email with you're Chinese sign so I can validate (I'm being serious) . If it's true I plan to revamp my campaign to meet women with a new slogan "SINGLE RAT IN KUWAIT LOOKING FOR MUSLIM MONKEY"....I'll keep you guys posted on how that goes :)

These images are from a favorite forward I received. The captions in the email read: "Even when you are having a really bad day......Someone will try to screw you" --- Hah!

Celebrity Gossip

It's amazing how much I'm influenced by American culture....even after being 6000 miles away, I still am bombarded with celebrity gossip...and after worshipping celebrities for the past 10 years...its kinda hard to just cut that umbilical cord.

1. I totally think Morgan Freeman's marriage ended because he was boning that chick that he got in a car accident with...comon naw what kinda wife splits with a 70 yr freckle faced bad ass actor that just starred in a HUGE blockbuster movie....I'm just sayin', the guy made Shawshank y'all...!


2. Bernie mac died of pneumonia...and yes I'm still shocked on how that happened?


3. Michael Phelps winning 5 gold medals, trying to break Spitz's record of 8...how does America produce such Athletes? India's population is over 1 billion and Abhinav Bindra is the only mahfacka outta that bunch to win India's FIRST INDIVIDUAL gold medal.....aint that some bullshit, I blame it on the cows (please see previous blog for supporting documentation). ....I guess India's bragging rights can always be 4 out of the 10 richest men on the planet are Indian.


4. I think Maggie Gyllenhaal is cuter than Katie holmes.....Yes I said it!
5. I cannot wait for Artest to tear it up in the Rockets...It should be interesting to see how he mixes with the team, because it got off to rocky start when Yao was mouthing off about how he is excited to play with Ron just as long as he doesn’t attack the fans. I just do not want this to become another Van Gundy-Bonzi situation…even though I know Artest loves Adelman, I think his relationship with Yao and the other guys on the team will play an important role on his performance.
   
6. Amanda Beard should really just stick to being a swimmer...first playboy...then this nude PETA ad...what's next?...with big teeth like hers she should pose for the "Save the Gophers" foundation

This picture literally made me laugh out loud so had to add it.

Thank God its Thursday (TGIT)

So I had my first steak in Kuwait at TGIF yesterday.....so for those of you that are interested what steak would taste like in Kuwait, let me first give you a visual

Texas Cow

Kuwaiti Cow

Hehe...I'm just being silly....I just googled manourished indian cow and I found this poor thing above. In all honesty, the steak was actually decent...it was topped with this Jack Daniels sauce....which is pretty misleading because there aint no damn liqour in the sauce. The recipe for the sauce is BBQ sauce + Jack Daniels....so I propose the local TGIF should stop trying to be fancy and just adapt to the local market by saying yeah our steaks just come topped with BBQ sauce..and there aint nothing special about it. Their alternative sauce to the JD sauce is the cajun spices sauce...which tasted like and basically consists of butter and garlic....and nothing cajun bout that either.

Also, our weekends in Kuwait are Friday and Saturday so technically "Thank god it's Friday" should be renamed to "Thank god it's Thursday" but I guess TGIT kinda has a negative connotation....I got called a "git" once by this trainer from the UK for mucking about during a session, so I'm pretty sure its not a term of endearment...

Speaking of English slang...I'm temporarily driving the company car which is a Mitsubishi Pajero...which is what us Americans call the Mitsubushi Montero. Now why the hell they call it a pajero here...and montero in the US...is kinda interesting - "Pajero" is spanish slang for my favorite cuss word "wanker"....Muy interesante no?

So I'm sure latinos in the US don't wanna be driving no wanker mobile so they changed it Montero ("mountain warrior") which ofcoarse fits in better with the latin machismo culture....and pretty analgous to my current situation if you catch my drift.

The dynamic list of Kuwaiti likes and dislikes

I'm glad this is dated, because trust me this list is subject to change -



I like

1. The housekeeping services: I have a maid that makes my bed, irons my clothes, does my laundry. She also cooks every evening, and her food doesn't exactly hit the spot, but its certainly edible.


2. The price of gas (along with the fueling process): I left Houston around mid July when gas was $147 a barrel, and it cost me about $85 (approx $3.60 per gallon) to fill up my tank. Although the price of oil has plummeted since then ($113 a barrel...crazy eh?), I filled up my tank in Kuwait for 3.150 KD, which is around 12 bucks! According to my math, I paid $0.93 per gallon for gas yesterday, and you can round it up to a buck because I tipped the guy that pumped it for me. I did not even have to get off the car, and press those stupid buttons on the gas pump (almost as frustrating as texting on an i-phone)...aahhh welcome to refueling paradise!


3. No more speeding tickets: I have spent almost $1000 dollars just in 2008 because of traffic fines...partially because I speed at the most inopportune times, and I don't deal well with cops on a power trip. Now in Kuwait, everybody rants about how bad the drivers are...and honestly as long as you drive (posted speed 120KM)140KM/80mph+ in the fast lane, you'll rarely have people cut in you're lane. There are speed camera's posted everywhere, but as long as you know where they are... you know when and when not to speed.....so no more goofy ass cops hiding out on the other side of the bridge with their radar guns looking like they're posing for some hollywood cop flick.
Man it cracks me up when I see these fools doing this!



4. Being in a Muslim country: One of the best things about moving back to the east is I'm back in a Muslim environment. At noon, there is a prayer call on the speakers in the office, and almost everybody in our building proceeds to the prayer halls to pray. Also, during Ramadan my work hours change to 830AM -230PM....as opposed to the 8AM-8PM I had to look forward to had I still been in Houston. Also a personal favorite, they have hand held bidets (muslim showers) in every bathroom in kuwait.....Enough said!
5. Used Car prices (Audi's especially): Apparently the Kuwaitis have no appreciation for used anything... I have seen some used A8's new advertised as low as $10K, which appear to be in pretty nice condition. Now I was explained two causes for the increased loss in value for the cars here. 1- The upholstery and engine itself is not well suited with the Kuwait climate and 2- people treat their cars like shit here, I asked a guy if he ever changed the oil on his car, and he asked me "whats an oil change"? - Since new car prices are higher than the US because of taxes, shipping, ect...I will probably be buying a used...and if that piece of shit gives me any trouble this bullet point will be on a different list.

I Dislike

1. Work Ethic: This will take some time to get used to since every one is sooo lazy. I mean they have coffee boys at my office that I have to call just to get me a bottle of water for crying out loud (In the US we call them interns). It's almost contradictary for me to have this as a bullet point when I like the shortened work hours, but my fear is getting overly comfortable and falling in the mode of complacency because I believe laziness is contagious and I'm trying not to get infected.
2. Kuwaitization: I have heard mixed stories about the distinct rights that exist for Kuwaitis...and non-Kuwaitis. There are a lot of subtle variations that really get under my skin. For example, a kuwaiti that has a child recieves an allowance from the government, where as a non kuwaiti has to pay for every time he/she has a child. Only a Kuwaiti can own (purchase) property....period - If I haven't caught your attention yet, this should really knock your socks off. My client has a division called Kuwaitization, and they are primarily responsible for balancing the kuwaiti workforce. Currently, theyre getting a lot of flack for being below 79% when the goal is 84% of all employees should be kuwaiti. Thankfully, us contractor's do not fall in that remaining 16% or I would have been looking for a new job already ;) I guess the civil rights clause...a workforce cannot be discriminated based on Age, Race, Religion, Gender ect... is something us yankees shouldn't take for granted. Although, I don't know how true that really is because I wonder if I could get job at Hooters....or why do most bars in the U.S always have short hispanic dudes picking up the drinks....hmmmm?
3. Night-life: I really miss those short hispanic dudes darting by oh so smoothly...you never even knew they were there. It brings me to my next point on how there is very little to do when the sun goes down. Granted I might be a bit myopic to all Kuwait has too offer...but this sure aint a place for a bachelor. Akahol is obviously illegal, so you can either milk you're network to get a bottle or make it yourself. As of now I have had some homemade vodka where after 1 drink I was better off downing my mom's bottle of nail polish remover...plus it gave me the shits the next day, what kinda hangover story is that? My decision to quit alcohol and continue down the sober path has become much easier now.
4. Women...what women?: Every place I go has herds of dudes...makes me feel like I'm in one of those movies where women are mythological creatures that make a guest appearance erry now and then. Kuwait has like 6 malls (just like the galleria) and the "cool" thing to do on the weekend night is to get decked out, call your entourage of hairy chested dudes...and walk around the malls checking out girls with head scarves...obviously no conversation...just eye fucking for 3 hours straight and calling it a night when you have had enough. What's funny is, it's a bloody mall and aint no nobody got shopping bags and there aint a damn soul in the stores except for the people that work there.
5. Price comparisons: Yes gas is cheaper...but don't get it twisted by thinking cost of living in kuwait is cheaper. There are a plethora of places to eat BUT don’t ruin the taste by converting into dollars because you’ll only find yourself feeling like fool after realizing you spent 30 bucks (7 Kuwaiti Dinar) on a breakfast. I went to a local health club (they're pretty big here) and the membership fee is 600KD ($2400) a year for single males...which is about $200 bucks a month (I miss LA fitness) for a prissy health club that has its own private beach. Yes I know a private beach sounds cool....but it's not really the case...I know you're thinking Pamela Anderson lifeguards, cocktails with the little straw hats, 6-pack Abs, people rollerblading or playing volleyball.....uhhhh not exactly - picture this...there were like two dudes sharing the same cigarette on my left side, and on the right side I have a pasty looking european chick reading a book....Sheeeit....the kappa party in Galveston is more popping than this friggin "private beach" - actually I take that back, I remember gagging the last time I saw pictures of Kappa week in Galveston : P

Who is Pak-Canadian Texan?

I was born in Toronto, Canada...spare me the Canadian jokes since I have no Canadian pride nor do I recall my days in a diaper. Moved to Karachi, Pakistan at age 2 and lived there during what I like to call the critical years for an adolescent male (age 10-16). A large chunk of my childhood was spent playing cricket with the local servants & chauffeurs, getting kicked out of class for being class clown and loitering outside restaurants to catch a glimpse from a group of girls walking in.

Just when I think life could'nt get any better, we decide to move to Roselle, Illinois (some po' dunk town 30 miles north of downtown Chicago). Life in Roselle was really a transitioning phase for me...remember those immigrants (us brown folk call em FOBS) that wear daisy dukes to play basketball, don't wear deodrant, pronounce things funny....umm yeah that was me! Thankfully, I learned quickly and got all the "Fobbish" activity around people I'm pretty sure I'll never see again. So the next time you're amused or humored by a fellow FOB, help them first assimilate before clowning at their expense. Trust me, YOU can make a difference!

Just when I think life could'nt get any better in Roselle, we move to humid ass Houston. To be honest, I'd take Houston weather any day over freezing my butt off in the windy city because let me generalize by saying us brown folk aren't built for the cold. Now Houston is an interesting place because it takes 30 minutes to get anywhere in the most complicated interstate highway system; Diversity is not just a sexy word, and it does exist in Houston...unlike Roselle. Culture is laid-back, not as pretentious as the other big cities in the US and people are generally friendly given my experiences.

Just when I think life could'nt get any better in Houston, Texas, I moved to Austin to attend university. I must say my time in Austin, (as most austinites would claim) were the best years of my life. Sounds cliche because they were my fratastic college years, but Austin really is a great town.

Just when I think life could'nt get any better in Austin Texas. I moved back to Houston, TX for work. Being financially independent was probably the best thing about moving back to Houston where majority of my time was spent at work, bouncing back from a string of awkward relationships, spending excessively at bars and some great quality family time. (If you're wondering how any of those activities are related to one another....trust me theres no link : D)

Just when I think life couldn't get any better in Houston for the second time...I moved to Kuwait because of a great career opportunity and the need for something different (notice a trend here). After moving and living five different cities, I want to do something a little different this 6th time around. I have built and severed many relationships along the way, and hopefully this blog will proove to be a handy tool to keep in touch, so I'm not having to copy and paste the same email when people ask "How is Kuwait"? - just keeping it real, I know I'm not the only one that does that.

Hakuna Matata

Two weekends ago, we took a boat trip to the island (yes there are beaches in Kuwait). The guy who owned the boat spoke no English...and also had a striking resemblance to Pumba from Lion King...and I don't mean in a cute cartoon way. The water was actually luke warm which should give you an idea of how bloody hot 116F in Kuwait is. Once we got to the island, I can honestly say I have never been so depressed after seeing sooo many hairy males wearing short shorts bonding in harmony. The bonding is cool but it's depressing because there was not 1 woman...and I'm sure if one of the guys made the mistake of bringing his wife/sister/mother she'd feel like a black guy at a KKK meeting.

However, on a positive note, I have never met guys (the hairy chested pumba type described above) that were soooo hospitable, friendly and caring. AND I know what you're thinking...ITS NOT because I'm American or because I have feminine features. I have seen the way they behave around each other, and I guess it's a real solid brotherly bond and they will treat you the same way if you are open to them. That last sentence can be interpreted figuratively or literally, so don't let your imagination get carried away.

Met a guy from Budapest, another from Hamburg Germany...I think I scare everyone because I talk too damn fast. Got in touch with a buddy of mine who is interning in Riyadh, and might get him to fly down to Kuwait so I can communicate at a pace which I feel comfortable....so much for acclimating. The reason I know this is, is because every time I ask somebody a simple question they say "yes yes very good"...and I have to repeat stuff like "uhhh...could you pass my sunglasses" and then get the same response "yes yes very good".: D

I'm learning a lot, just from working with these Indian guys...it's part of the whole global experience. One of my colleagues spelt the word quotation..."COTASHIN" in an email. I can't even get mad at the bastard for spellcheck on outlook because "cotashin" is actually a bloody word. I work with the client whose response to everything I ask him to do is "Inshallah" which does not mean "Hopefully, God willing" as I learned all these years. Over here it means "I'm not doing it, so don't be a heathen and question my work ethic".

In three weeks...I am convinced that the expression - the grass is greener on the other side was stated by some color blind fuck...what I have concluded is that it's just a different shade of green....might smell different...might feel different...might even taste different if you're feeling a bit rebellious.