Driving in Kuwait

I got a couple of weird glares and raised eyebrows driving in traffic today. It's probably because I was singing along to the Thong song on the radio in Kuwait....
"Let me see that..." - Don't act like that wasn't the jam back in the day.....I know you likeded it- that was one catchy tune by that lil' white afro rockin' bisexual named Cisco. : D

Driving in Kuwait has been quite an experience....since theres no clubs or bars in Kuwait....men usually resort to get their 'mack on' on the highway. I saw these two guys on the gulf trying to get this Ninja's (woman wearing the black robe/abaaya) attention in a taxi. She was sitting in the back seat and reading something. This prepubescent male in the vehicle next to her was desperately trying to get her attention by putting his rear windows up and down continuously....and aint nobody in the back seat.

That's not as funny as some of the guys drive around with a monkey wearing a dress (No BS, I have seen this myself) on their dashboard...so women in the cars next to them can look in and be like "aww...look at that cute lil' family of monkeys"

The funniest story I have heard...is guys buying tons of cheap pre-paid mobile phones for about $40 and throwing them inside a womans car. Now that my friends is spittin' game....."Nah baby I dont need yo number....pssst...here catch this....I'll call you"

I thought I'd share a bumper sticker that left me confused....I'm all for freedom of speech but this sticker made me laugh because it make no friggin sense what so ever...

The image is a bit blurry because I took the picture from my phone...but the sticker reads:

"NO DOG NO GAY"

It does make you scratch your head and go what kinda message was this dude trying to get across:

1. Are Dogs and Gays not allowed in his car?
2. He is against doing it doggie style?
3. All Dogs don't go to heaven because they are gay?
4. If you call your male friend a dog...then he is probably gay
5. Vice Versa ^

Working Culture in Kuwait

This topic rarely makes me laugh because of the frustration I deal with....but apparently everybody else seems to find humor in it.

True Story - Based on Actual Events:

Kuwait is an interesting place....the clients here sorta remind me of my mother. She wants the latest and greatest technology but doesnt know how to use it...what makes it even more frustrating they want to buy a ferrari california for the price of a tata nano.

When submitting a proposal, the client whispered to me [serious face] "do you know what it takes to win this deal?" My ears perked up and I leaned in hoping to learn some valuable intelligence...so I asked what??? HE says: "do it for FREE!!!"

I guess you get customers like that everywhere, but its also frustrating when you work in a culture where there is such a primitive use of email. A coworker and I were having a similar issue where all our emails were being bounced back. So I asked our tech support specialist on our team to investigate the issue. The reason I call him our tech support specialist is NOT because that is his designated role...ITS because whenever I ask him a question, he'll respond with "only technical please" - which leads me to believe you can only talk to the guy if you have a technical question.

Also, if you have been keeping up with the blog, this is the same individual that spelt quotation....COTASHIN - So anyways back to my story.....my coworker and I explained the issues we were having with our email...and his solution to the problem was to create a support ticket and send it to the company that manages our email exchange server. I removed actual names and email ids for privacy reassons, but this is the exact copy of the ticket that I was copied on:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Hi

> My self Tom i am working in XYZ company we are using net firms
for mail access.

> But two of my colic r not receiving the mail from outside and due to that
we r facing lots of problem we have check form our side and there no issue.

> My colleagues mail ids are

> johndoe@XYZ.com

> johnsmith@XYZ.com

> Please look into matter

> Waiting for reply

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now why this support ticket tickles the crap out of me is the way he spelt colleagues...."But two of my colic" --- and in the next sentence he spells it perfectly....WTF

Oh and what makes it even funnier is if you know what the word colic means....its an intestinal disorder usually with babies when they cry uncontrollably because of the gas trapped in their digestive track causing discomfort in the abdomen and colon.

A trip to the Friday Market

My Uncle insisted I check out this place just for the experience….and let me say if you have been to Kuwait and never been to the Friday market….you’re seriously missing out.

Anyway I went to the “Friday Market” on a Saturday so not sure why they call the bloody thing a Friday market….What it should be called is the damn Kuwaiti Dollar Store. You have all these Bengalis selling stuff they probably found in a dumpster…fax machines from 1995….over the top fabric…bootlegged tide detergent. There was a dude selling a plasma without a power cord (WTF)…just the screen wrapped in bubble wrap. All sorts of random crap!

I was looking at the beds…and I saw this crib with a huge picture of what appeared to be a Tom and Jerry picture. But it was such a bad knock off that Tom looked like a dog….Jerry looked like a rat….and on top the ugly ass font read “TOM AND GERRY”….. : D – What makes it even funnier is… I could tell where it was made without looking at the tag….EGYPT.

For those that don’t know…. the Egyptians have a weird dialect and they pronounce all their J’s like a G. For example Jeddah in Saudi Arabia….is pronounced Geddah. Also most Arabs don’t pronounce the P….it’s usually replaced with a B….For example: Pepsi is referred to as Bebsi….and you may also hear “No Barking in the barking lot”

I also saw bootlegged colognes…one of my personal favorites… Joop! However this one was spelt JOOB! A buddy of mine told me that JOOB is the Arab version of the cologne that is manufactured in Dubai. They intentionally changed the name because it does not have any alcohol in it…therefore; JOOB is the cologne of choice for the Islamic man. Not sure how true that story is, but it sure is funny. Some other funny names were Hugo…was HOUO, Farenheight was Ferenhight and Jadore was Godore (yea…don’t ask)

They also have an “Animal Market” located right next to the Friday Market and this place was one depressing pet store or mini zoo. I was surprised to see how many people were selling chickens…my peoples are into cockfighting, so I wasn’t exactly sure why all these Kuwaitis were walking around holding these chickens by their neck. My sister (animal rights activist depending on what day of the week it is) would have had a fit had she been there.

There was a Kuwaiti selling these 2 monkeys in a tiny bird cage. One of the monkeys was considerably smaller and weaker but he was the most adorable little bugger. He had his little face resting on his arms, while his tiny black hands were gripping the bars of bird cage….I started tickling his fingers in hope of a response only to have him look up at me with this suicidal look begging “please either shoot me or shoot the bastard that put me in a bloody bird cage.” I asked the Kuwaiti if the 2 monkeys were mother and son……and the Kuwaiti looked at me all confused and said “no mother and son…just friend” [Kuwaiti Accent]…..As depressing as the scene was…I was laughing uncontrollably at the Kuwaitis expense.

10 things that crack me up about the global economic crisis

1. No Bridezillas at this wedding




1100 couples in India tied the knot TOGETHER. Cost cutting through “group marriages” is becoming more common because of rising inflation in India… - I thought an arranged marriage was tough but c'mon now...group marriages? I would bet that 700 of those couples met their husband/wife AT THE WEDDING!!!



http://in.news.yahoo.com/139/20090302/824/tnl-over-1000-couples-tie-knots-in-mass.html

2. You have to pay to join the Mile High Club?


Ryanair is going to start charging its passengers for using the toilets on the flight!!!!

When I traveled as a kid, we used get stuffed animals, a can of minute maid juice on demand, a kit full of toiletries and check in 2 bags at 30KG each… Honestly…what’s next guys….are we gonna have to put a damn quarter in the seatbelt to buckle up now.



http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7914542.stm

3. Gigalo is the way to go



When I was graduating, everybody wanted to be an investment banker including myself. I’m glad that people realize they are other ways to crack 6 figures. Daniel, a male escort from London is making some extra cash in the economic downturn by offering his “services” for £100 an hour.


http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/7914639.stm



4. 1 Trillion Dollars!


Is it me or is a million not a big number in today’s times. However, I have never heard the term billion as much as I did in 2008. And now the new trendy thing is talking in TRILLIONS. King Abdullah from Saudi made a random statement during the economic summit in Kuwait that the Arab nations collectively lost $2.5 TRILLION DOLLARS in 4 MONTHS.

I’m sure if you asked the him what it was spent on…the response will be: ”uhh...STUFF”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7834829.stm


5. Aston Martin….yes..I own it


I know a lot of you are probably asking how is that even possible to lose 2.5 trillion in 4 months, Well I’ll tell you for example in Kuwait…your financial planners aka huge investment companies like Investment Dar invested almost $1 billion to buy Aston Martin just so they could say “We own it” [Kuwaiti Accent]. 2 Years later the company is struggling to keep its head above water, and announcing pay cuts for all employees (the nicer alternative to layoffs)


6. From slumdog to millionaire….and then back to Slumdog



Slumdog cost approx. $15 million dollars, and it made almost $100 million on the US box office (number is still growing). The movie made 7 times of what it actually cost. For those of you that love this overrated movie will finally understand why I’m not impressed with our profit sharing friend Danny Boyle.

The two kids who portrayed young jamal and young latika were actual kids that lived in the slums of Mumbai that got local wages for 30 days of work they put into shooting the movie and then returned to their ghetto holes. Even after the movie cracked 50 million these kids WERE STILL living in their slums…obviously after the movie’s success at the golden globes and baftas, the Indian government finally decided to take them out of the slums because of all of the commotion it stirred.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7909660.stm

7. Bernanke’s Baffled ass

2 weeks ago head of the fed (Bernanke) was preaching about how optimism will cure the US economy…. 2 weeks later consumer confidence hits an all time low after he states the recession will progress into 2010. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a bit pessimistic?

8. Globally Available Recession Goods

I met with one of our clients the other day, and I had to comment on this ugly Styrofoam hat that was on his desk. He laughed and told me that it was his “recession hat”. In past years, the company usually has giveaways like sun block, a hat or visor when they have their sports days. Given the current market conditions in 2009 all employees are now getting a Styrofoam hat that melts on top of your head….but does a damn good job of keeping the sun out of your eyes.

In Japan, they are selling RECESSION BEER…. It’s half the price of other beers in Japan…and what these cheap ass beer drinkers don’t realize is…it’s not Beer. I cannot wait to see the next Budweiser commercial showing the evolution of Beer from Regular to Light and now to our latest beer called the Recession beer which tastes like horse piss in a can.

9. Reason for termination: Facebook
[Based on true story]

Imagine coming into work, and your boss tells you the good news that the company is not downsizing, and not affected by the recession. Bad news is you have to clear your desk because your status on facebook was “I’m bored at work”
http://edition.cnn.com/video/

10. When things are going down….go Topless!!!

I do believe while some people are losing homes & their savings by the minute, there is a guy around the block getting rich. This looney coffee shop owner in Maine has his male and female wait staff servicing the shop's customers topless.

Who knew coffee and boobs go together….NOW that’s what I call a great “stimulus” plan.

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/US/02/27/topless.coffee.shop/index.html

Short & Bittersweet trip to the homeland

Thursday (Probably the best night of my trip)

I went through a full day of work, parked my car at the airport and got on the flight to Dubai. Before I took off, I called a buddy of mine who is in Dubai for his sister’s engagement party and he’s currently getting his MBA at Harvard….and I really wanted to speak to him about the whole application process and tips on getting in. Since I had a 5 hour stopover in Dubai, I asked him if he wanted to grab dinner and then he could drop me back to the airport. He agreed, so I called him when I landed. So he was nice enough to come pick me up at the airport at 9pm in Dubai, and asked me where I wanted to go. I told him I was indifferent but I did not have much of an appetite….so we decided to go to this hot spot called barasti….it’s a open patio bar…and the downstairs plays hip hop. Real fun spot….had $100 dollars worth of drinks per person in less than an hour : D then after feeling pretty good the two of us decided to hop spots even though it is now 11PM, and my flight takes off at 130AM.

Then we went to Budha Bar….which is one of the hardest spots to get into in Dubai because of its lame ass uppity crowd. WE obviously were standing in the back of the line with no hope of getting in….so I went up to the bouncer showed him my boarding pass for my 130AM flight and said there’s a girl in there I just want to say goodbye to before I fly out in an hour. He’s like damn…she must be real special for you to risk missing your flight…and I was like uhhh yeah…real special….SO he let me and as I’m about to walk in, I realize he didn’t let my budddy in….and then I went back to the same bouncer and was like uhhh…he needs to say bye too….at this point this bouncer just laughed and thought we were just 2 weird dudes….and let us in through pity.

Buddha Bar ^^^

So me and my buddy now were already pretty tipsy…but now I’m in straight hardcore party mode with the way the nights going so far. We drank some mojitos (which sucked) and just kicked it at this place till about 1215AM…This random thoughs of anxiety did cross my mind about my flight, because you’re supposed to be at the gate at least 30 minutes before departure….and they close the airplane doors (Emirates policy) 15 minutes before departure….so I literally have an hour….my buddy added to the anxiety by telling me about the hotel next to us has a really nice place on the rooftop…and even though I know it could have been one of the dumbest things I did, we actually went to this THIRD place…again really uppity crowd but fantastic view of the entire dubai marina skyline…absolutely gorgeous. So after 10 minutes of soaking it in, we went back down, and he raced me to the airport…and thankfully got me there at exactly 1AM….I literally stumbled and semi jogged through security half tipsy (I chuckled while being frisked, so it should give you an idea of what my BAC was) to catch my flight and literally was the last person to get on at exactly 115AM…..What a way to start a trip eh….a first for me to leave the airport and get semi-inebriated between transferring flights

Friday

Arrived in Karachi at about 525AM local time….and was ready to hit the sack as soon as I got home. Woke up at 1030…had bkfst with family…talked a bit about my experience in Kuwait, and then my dad and I went to my grandfather’s grave (I was named after him but I never met him) – from there went ran some errands like change money and brought some cologne and perfumes from my cousins because I obviously didn’t get any time to shop at Dubai duty free. Saw my grandmother who is now in her 90s but nobody really knows her age and whenever I ask her she says it was during WWI....it helps to have a grandmother that doesn't remember her age or even the day she was born- she'll never get mad at you for fogetting...and that is one less birthday gift you have to give : D

Went to Friday prayer a little late to the closest mosque in the shopping area....where most of the poor (majority of the population) pray. My immature ass was easily humored by some of the men walking in were holding hands...and I believe they do that because of 1 of 3 reasons:

1. -It's way to show affection for a brother from another mother
2. -They feel more secure/protected when in a foreign or dangerous environment
3. -GAY
   

Ended up giving this kid praying next to me a 100 Rupees ($1.25) to buy some sandals because he was the most adorable thing you have ever seen. Remind me to act out the way this kid prayed the next time I see you in person...you just had to be there. He had eyeliner on (yeah...don't ask I blame the parents), a nose full of boogers, a gray kurta (which I'm guessing was white when brand new) and the dirtiest feet you have ever seen. Kinda looked like this kid below:




Later that evening. I met some more of the family that I haven't seen in quite some time for dinner….had a good laugh, made fun of kuwaitis, ate some great home cooked food, and played cards until 4AM.


Saturday

Went to the tailors….got two suits made for $400 (32K Rupees) which is a lot of money in pakistan considering I used to buy em for $100 back in the day…and now I’m kicking myself in the ass because I really don’t need any more suits….I have 12 now including the two new ones. BTW I go to one of the best male tailors (Ambassador) in Pakistan…I believe he’s the only one in Karachi that has authentic Italian fabric from Italy….a lot of the other tailors in karachi claim they do too but it’s “Italian” fabric made in korea….wtf?

Anyway after getting some shopping done, we had dinner plans with the entire family....What made dinner at the Marriot interesting was guy inside this café area on his fuckin piano kept singing all these damn songs right next to our table…and this table of aunties (literally 30 of them) that obviously don’t get out much were JUST LOVING it so they kept asking him to sing the up tempo bollywood songs….This bastard guy (aka the Pakistani flava flav) got up off his seat and was serenading each of these aunties and got into this rhythm of jumping jack clapping and basically turned this peaceful dinner into a bloody bollywood club with aunties going all wild.

Our table was obviously not amused…and they (mi familia) kept probing me to do something…because I kinda have a reputation for being the problem solver (because I'm the problem 90% of the time)– so I spoke to the management and they told Pakistani flava flav to simmer down a notch…and he obviously complied but I had to deal with flava flav giving me the evil eye for the rest of the evening. Hate to drag the story…but I must add…this fool did resume singing after a good 30 minutes of silence due to popular demand…and just while we were leaving the electricity goes out in the entire lobby/café area and it goes completely dark. Now if this happened in the US…people would have started screaming….kids crying and all…but not in paki….you just heard sighs and it went real quiet. Since flava flav’s routine got cut midway through his lip sync session because the power went out….My vindictive ass felt compelled to finish the rest of the chorus for him….and the silence turned into a huge roar of laughter…and I obviously didn’t deal with any embarrassment because it pitch black and all you heard was my squealing voice.

Sunday

Dropped pops to the airport because he is flying back to texas…and we literally got stopped (security checkpoint) three times on the way there…it’s amazing how much security there is now for everybody. They checked our trunk and dashboard and everything, even asked for my dad’s ticket. I’m glad security is cracking down or at least attempting to because the homeland is no longer a safe place to live.

I drove past our old house and had to check it out…felt really weird to come back to the homeland….and have no home….it’s a mix between nostalgia and disappointment….I’ll explain the second feeling in a little bit.

I spent majority of my Sunday with my cousin and his new born. He just had a son 3 months ago and this guy was probably the closest cousin to me when I grew up in Karachi….you know how adolescent males get so attached to a big brother figure… and since I did not have one…I shadowed this particular cousin everywhere…growing up in karachi…we used to horse around during prayers every Friday and laugh hysterically at the dumbest things when watching cartoons like the Aristocats…and as I got older my social life really revolved around this cousin. However after moving to US…I didn’t attend his wedding, did not call him when he had a son...and we probably haven’t spoken in the last 5 years….but I have a real soft spot for that guy….and I now I am completely hooked on his son. He is such a good baby…he doesn’t cry at all and lets me hold him….keep in mind he’s only 3 mo’s old.- don’t know if it’s because it’s my cousins son or if it’s because I really want to have one….or it’s probably because he’s named after my favorite soccer player.

Had a late flight back home to Kuwait…and spent the entire flight back reflecting on the trip….and back to my feelings of nostalgia and disappointment. I have made two trips back since moving to the US…and I am convinced after trip # 2 that Karachi is one place I could never live in again. These feelings of disappointment were preceded by a long conversation with my grandmother attempting to persuade her to move to the US. She believes she might be happier in the US in terms of lifestyle, but it’s still soil that she cannot call her own. I’m not convinced that I buy that argument….I do identify myself as being Pakistani, and do embrace the good and bad things about our culture. However, I feel the US did a lot for me that Karachi never could – and I cannot even fathom what it would be like to acclimate in reverse.

Pray for the homeland my peoples

When good things happen to bad people...sigh!

Since when did a sex on the beach get you a 3 month sentence and 170 quid fine!!!

I almost died when I saw the pictures on a fowarded email. For those of you that have no clue on what I'm talking about....this unmarried british couple got busted for having sex on the beach in Dubai....I didn't think much of the story until I saw the pictures..

I'd seriously put em' up but I am certain my blog is going to get flagged because they are pretty graphic. Let me give you a visual....Its a bright sunny day on the beach....with kids playing in the water...and 60 year old couples taking strolls on the beach with their jaws wide open....and amidst all this we see a pasty European couple having intercourse in the "ventro-dorsal position" (doggy style for my vulgar readers)!

Now there is important message here....Dubai obviously attracts tourists of all types - Read up http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7803047.stm

My favorite quotes from Vince Acors a.k.a the poking perpetrator:

• "There would have been some physical contact, but intercourse did not take place."


• “We were obviously on the beach, and the definition of sex in this country is different to the definition in the Middle East”


• "We just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time"
  
  The guy (Vince Acors) cracks me up : D... he's pulling the R. Kelly defense card, but unfortunately R.Kelly actually believed that shit would fly in court (one of my favorite songs actually)

The dynamic list of Kuwaiti likes and dislikes

Likes


1. Klubbin in Kuwait


I was disappointed nobody knew who I dressed up as for Halloween. You know you have a shitty costume when…. everybody gives you that puzzled look and asks the dreaded Halloween question “And what are you supposed to be”….and I very confidently respond “Uhh Tony Parker…French basketball player….plays for the Spurs…married to Eva Longoria” – they say “ohhhh…cool” [then walk away].


I will admit the way people do up their apartments for a party deserves some merit. They had a DJ that played all my favorite tunes, a bar with a Jewish bartender that puts a teaspoon of liquor in every drink, and all those green laser lights to disguise your lack of rhythm, as an epileptic seizure.


All the spiders, cobwebs and the other glow in the dark bullshit that got me thinking.....I need to get my own place in Kuwait and start hosting my own lil’ shin digs. That way I won’t be castrated of my social life that I once had….but more importantly, I won’t have to resort to smoking Shisha every weekend.


2. Weather is just gorgeous

The jogs at Mishref park are amazing….it’s even funnier to see what people wear now. I saw a joker the other day wearing a turtle neck while walking in 70F weather.

I’ve been playing a lot more basketball now that the weather is much cooler. Although I did get discriminated against last week – The court I was playing on cleared out after the last game, but I still wanted to play….so I asked the adjacent court (The Philipino court) if I could run a quick game with them. They said NO…not a maybe…or uhhh we already have a game going….I got a flat out NO. I didn’t get too bent out of shape because I played with them a long time ago…and whenever I asked this dude that was guarding me what the score was he said “porteen…pibteen”…..my immature ass obviously easily humored by foreign accents asked him at least another 20 times….until he went silent on me

3. I actually love my job

I am doing business development work, which would have taken light years had I still been at my former company. I am not micro managed, and my sole responsibility is to manage relationships. Although, there is a lot of ambiguity and cultural issues that come along with it but it’s still a blessing compared to how I was spending my days in Houston.

I had to get this proposal out before end of day and needed input from a fellow team member in India. He did not respond to my email, so I sent him an SMS text if he had seen the email. His response via SMS read “Didn’t received” --- I laughed hysterically for a good minute because his grammar conscious ass put the apostrophe on didn’t

If that tickles your pickle…let me tell you another SMS I received from my Kuwaiti friend that reminds me of Dopey from snow white. This is exactly how the text read:
Me: “Are you going to come with me when we go pick up the car….?”
Dopey: “Enshallh. That’s mean yap”

Am I the only one that thinks that shit is hilarious?

Dislikes

1. Only the written word carries weight in Kuwait

If isn’t on written or documented, your commitment is merely a nothing more than a meaningless conversation. That applies to work, and making plans outside of work. I get very resentful when someone graciously wastes my time whose strategy for success is “just to get by”….they tell you stuff just to get by…my oh so ethical, yet so naïve ass is getting all walked over. My kindness is often mistaken for weakness, so do I change my approach….or do I continue to drown with resentment?

2. No healthy alternatives


Did you know Kuwait has the largest burger king in the world? And believe me I think they have the biggest KFC and Pizza hut too. It’s huge…..almost comparable to a department store in US…the BK by my house in Houston can fit maybe 20 people….but this BK paradise in Kuwait can accommodate for at least 200 people. Shit…you could get married at this factory for fat fucks….and get a happy meal (toy not included) for all your oh so happy guests.




My fat ass can barely fit into my suits because there are no healthy alternatives….no Boston Market, no potbelly’s, no Schlotzsky’s....just 1or 2 subways which I have yet to figure out the location. That doesn’t bother me as much as the people that I talk to about this topic. Everybody I discuss this with is like “haha…only ladies watch their figure”….that’s probably true cuz they certainly aren’t watching the Rolley Polley bastards their families forced them to marry.


3. Couples only qualifier


Kuwait is the place to be for couples, and of course homosexuals.

• If you want to sit in the middle of the movie theatre… you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want a gym membership at a lower price…you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want to rent that condo on Marina with the nice view….you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want to sit in a restaurant section where there are girls….you can’t because it’s for couples only.


• If you want to party at a club in Bahrain/Dubai to escape from Q8...you can’t because it’s for couples only

Some would argue these rules help moderate the traffic of sexually repressed men….I would argue its rules like these that breed incest, pedophiles, rape cases (that also apply to dopey lookin’ sheep) -